Man in the Mirror

Last night, I watched the BET Awards, and first off, it was much better than last year. 
Anyway, I was excited to see Chris Brown finally do a tribute to Michael Jackson, probably the only person on the planet, other than Janet, who could really do it justice. 
I watched him moonwalk and glide all over that stage, moving like Michael had temporarily taken over his body...then I watched the brother break down on stage.  Now, I wanted a performance, and I got that, I wanted a whole performance, I didn't get that...but I was actually quite pleased with what  I got...and under the circumstances I can completely understand the breakdown. 

I will never know what it feels like to be blackballed so badly that I see my dreams going up in smoke.  But I do know what it feels like to feel on top of the world one minute and in a sinkhole the next.  To see your life change, in a singular moment.  To feel like you have possibly sealed your fate, based on one simple decision or mistake.  I would imagine...all of those things feel generally the same...F&%$ed UP!

So you get the chance to make a comeback, what I think was indeed his comeback.  Chris Brown has made many mistakes, but I can say for certain, that he is still one HELL OF A performer and talent.  To make him pay for his mistakes by robbing him of his livelihood, I think is cruel and unusual punishment.  As a public, we have forgiven people for similar behaviors over and over again, mainly grown and mature adults.  But this young man, deserves another chance to be the big star he was destined to be...

Imagine in your life, recognizing your biggest dream...and then u make some huge mistake...for most of us, that would not necessarily mean watching your dream float away...but for someone in the public eye, scrutinized at every turn, that is their reality.  Is it any more fair because they are rich or famous...I don't think so...we are all human, we are all subject to make mistakes, and we should all be forgiven for our misdeeds...even if they are never forgotten.

"If u wanna make the world, a better place, take a look at yourself and make a change."


Song of the Day: Man in the Mirror by Michael Jackson

Reborn

U awakened me from the dead
Breathed air into my lungs
Cured the rigor mortis
Life has just begun

U got my neurons to fire
Gave my heart a shock
I got feeling in my toes
Suddenly its not so dark

U gave me resuscitation
I no longer feel the pain
Turned my switch to on
I'm calling out your name

U gave me all your love
Cured my broken heart
Yet u were always there
In my heart from the start.

Song of the Day: My Heart Will Go On-Celine Dion

My First Love

Long as I live, you will always be, my first love...

MUSIC!

I love music, just as long as its groovin...
Okay, enough already, but I love music.

I have been having this love affair since I can remember.
There is a picture of me in a blue and red jumpsuit, holding an LP, an album, yes, they had those
when I was a kid, ready for someone to play my song...and I would dance.
I would dance anywhere, anytime, in front of anyone...because that is what you do, when you love music.
You are moved by it emotionally, physically, it moves something in your spirit in your soul.

Ever heard the words...

"Love has, truly, been good to me..."

And it just made your heart open up like a rose in bloom.

Or...

"About a half a mile from heaven, you dropped me back down to this cold, cold world..."

When someone has just torn your heart in two...

It is like Luther and Stevie were talking to you, like they knew your pain, like they had written and sang that song, just for you.

Music is powerful, it is universal, it is beautiful, and it is magical.

I remember hearing the song "Beautiful" by Christina Aguilera...not necessarily one of my favorite singers...and I cried.  I was having a time in my life, where I felt insecure, I felt alone, I cannot recall now if it was at the hands of some fool boy or I was just having a moment...but everytime I heard that song, it made me feel better about myself.  I started to sing it to myself...as I went to sleep...and even though my voice is nowhere near as beautiful as hers...it wasn't the sound, it was the meaning, the feeling behind the words, that took me to another place.  A place where I felt safe and secure.
I don't think anyone ever knew I loved that song...but each time I hear it, even now...it awakens something in me, and it makes me feel whole.

I love music...

In college, I was in love with Mary J. Blige, and I recall hearing "Deep Inside" for the first time, and recalling that piano melody I had heard many times before...ELTON JOHN!  I ran out the next day and bought Goodbye Yellow Brick Road, the album "Bennie and the Jets" was on...and playing it nonstop in my college apartment.  It was something about the piano in that song, it reminded me of some tripped out movie..."She's got electric boots a mohair suit"... I played that song each and every day for weeks, and I danced around my small room in my underwear in a trance.  I would listen to it, and feel like I could accomplish anything, once writing a 20 page paper in just a few hours, that song playing fanatically in the background.  Each time I hear it, it takes me back to those days, and I just wanna dance around in my underwear in a trance.

I love music...

I have similar stories about Peg by Steely Dan, Clocks by Coldplay, American Dreamin by Jay-Z, and Lovin is Really My Game by Brainstorm.  I remember my life in music...when I fell head over heels in love with hip hop the first time I heard Beats to the Rhyme by Run DMC...the first time I ever danced with a boy to Always by Atlantic Starr...
 
I love music...



Song of the Day: My First Love-Rene and Angela

The Tipping Point

Just tip me over and pour me out

I am full and overflowing
With hot lies and deceit
Escaping your mistruths
and actions so indiscreet
What is now spilt and spoiled
Was once so simple and sweet

Just tip me over and pour me out

I want to be set free
No where to turn in haste
I bubble up at the thought
of the dreams you let waste
What we had is dead and gone
Memories have been erased.

Just tip me over and pour me out

My liquid emotions trickle out
You can't drink from this cup
There is nothing left inside
I have been all drunk up.

Just tip me over...

-------------------------------------------

We all have our tipping points...

Song of the Day: Impossible by Shontelle

Brokenhearted

"Only brokenhearted, life's not over..."

As much as you HATE to hear stuff like this when your heart has just been gouged open with a machete...it is still the truth.

Heartbreak is a part of life. I for one, have had my heart broken many times..more than I care to remember, in fact.  As devastating and gut wrenching an experience it is, the fact is that, your first heartbreak won't seem as bad as your second, and your second as bad as your third.  Heartbreak, is in the moment.  It is worse when you are living in the middle of it...and the farther away from it you get, the easier it becomes to sleep without what seemed to be the requisite tears, to smile again, to feel human again, to realize that your life, is not in fact, over.

I am smack dab in the middle of heartbreak...unfortunately, mine has lasted a bit longer this time than in times past.  I am at the point of heartbreak where my heart is starting to mend itself, although every now and then I hear a crack or two, a reminder of that once intense feeling that someone had punched me in the stomach; that my life, as I had know it, had been one big lie; that I would never love or want to love again; and that I was so alone, I needed my own version of "Wilson" to keep me company.

Although the mountain is extremely high and there are so many landslides along the way, you think you will never be able to rough the terrain, there is life on the other side of heartbreak.  I, for one, have seen glimpses of my life in the future...and while I once thought I would never want to hear the word love...I now know that love is not the reason for my heartbreak.

As hard as it is to see past heartbreak, the one thing that I have learned, that allows me to keep pushing through it is this...being hurt by someone you love is never about love, it is always about fear.
I refuse to let fear, be it my own or someone else's, control any second of my life.  I refuse to allow it to play a part in the decisions I make about my future.  I refuse to give it any power...
So in that spirit, I will allow heartbreak to run its course, but at the end of its run...I will love again.

"Love, for better or worse, I still will choose you first"

Song of the Day: Love by Musiq Soulchild

Friends...how many of us have them...

You have to be the kind of friend you want to have...it is true!
If you want your friends to be thoughtful and kind, you have to be thoughtful and kind.
If you want your friends to be fun and interesting, you have to be fun and interesting.
If you simply want your friends to have your back, you have to have their backs as well.

Friendship is possibly the most important relationship you can have with another person, aside from a parent-child relationship.  Friendship is the foundation upon which all great intimate relationships are built. It is the cornerstone for most of the connections you will have with other people in your life.  And once you grow older, even your parents become your friends.  It is actually a pretty amazing connection to have with another person.

That said, lately, I have been hearing alot of things that have disturbed me from people I know, about how their friends have been behaving...and it made me think, what are the rules of friendship...are there even rules.

Well, a simple answer is...HELL YEAH there are rules to friendship...certain codes that you just don't break, well not if you plan to keep your friends.

Rule #1: What is discussed between you and a friend should stay between u and a friend, unless there is some understanding between the two of you that you can tell other friends, etc.
It is extremely important for friends to be able to trust that what they tell you in confidence, remains in confidence.

Rule #2: Never be passive aggressive.  My mother loves to say passive aggressive people should be shot in public...now, I wouldn't go that far, but I do believe that passive aggressive behavior has no place in a friendship.  You have to speak up and out, not be afraid to say what is on your mind, and be honest with your friends.  Beating around the bush is just not going to cut it.

Rule #3: Know when to hold em, know when to fold em, know when to walk away and know when to run...
Get to know who your friends are, and when things happen, whether it is an argument, a mere disagreement, a friend is doing something you believe is harmful to themselves or other, or you simply think what they said or did was utterly ridiculous, whatever the case, you have to know your audience, so you can act accordingly.  Know when it is the right time to step up and say something, or when it is the right time to just be a quiet support.

Rule #4: Loyalty
Loyalty is key...I often tell my friends, who are all much more like sisters to me than "just" friends...that I would help them hide a body...again, okay, this is all jokes...but the real meaning is that I am loyal to them and will help them in any way possible, within my limited powers.  When your friends know and can trust that you are loyal to them, they always feel supported and will in turn, support you.

Rule #5: Boundaries
Even friendships have boundaries, and you have to both respect the boundaries and set up the boundaries.  When someone is starting to cross your boundaries, friend or no friend, you have to make sure they understand your limitations...it makes for a much healthier and easy relationship when all people involved know what will and will not be tolerated.

Rule #6: Connection
Make a special connection, that only you and that person have, with each of your friends.  Many people tend to have a core group of friends, but it is important to have relationships with all of those people independent from the group.  Friendships are not group relationships, they are personal relationships, and when you don't take time out to make a connection with all of the people you consider your friends, don't be surprised if it turns out they were never your friend.

Rule #7: Pick up the phone.  Every once in a while, make sure you communicate with your friends. Even if you one day realize it has been a year since you spoke, you most likely can call up that friend and pick right back up where you left off, be it last week or last year.  Even if it is just to call to check on the person...(it is imperative in establishing a connection with the person, see Rule #6).

Friends...ones you can depend on!

Song of the Day: Fairweather Friend by Johnny Gill

Hard Knock Life

Instead of treated, we get tricked
Instead of kisses, we get kicked
It's a Hard Knock Life...

TELL ME ABOUT IT!

You ever have a spell where you feel like you are being punished for something, but you cannot for your life figure out just what you could have done so heinous to be subjected such cruel and unusual punishment...
Well I am having one of those spells, and I can tell you in all honesty, while I have not always been a good girl, I have never been the devil's spawn, and that seems like the only reasonable cause for this series of events that I have called my life, over the past few months. 

Whatever the case, there is truly value in the valley.  Think of life as a series of ups and down...when you are up, you are on Cloud 9, all is well, life's blessings are abundant and you are happy and well.  When you are down, sometimes down deep and other times just grazing in the pasture...but whatever the case, things are not going your way.  The thing about it is, when you are down, you can only go up and there is a lesson that you can learn from whatever you are going through.  Whether it is a lesson in patience, determination, confidence, boundaries, limitation, or fear, whatever it may be...take the time to learn the lesson, to heed the lesson, and apply it to your life.  You will soon enough find yourself climbing back up, and you can peer over into the valley, see and recognize its beauty, but live happily at the top of the mountain.

In applying this to my own life, I am realizing that even though life may not be grand right now, it is still pretty wonderful...I have full use of all of my limbs, I am in my right mind, I am not sick, I have food, clothing, and shelter, I am able to learn and be taught, and I can usually find a few things to smile about on any given day.  So...being down, when you know what it feels like to be up,  acutally isn't so bad, but I cannot wait to get to the mountaintop! 


Song of the Day: Hard Knock Life-Jay-Z

Love Is Not Made in Words...

I don't profess to know all there is to know about love...
I am just 33 years old...I have had a few serious boyfriends, and I am currently married, but other than that, I am no expert on the subject.  However, one does not have to be an expert to be able to share her opinions.
And let me tell you, I can say with certainty that LOVE IS NOT MADE IN WORDS!

An Ethiopian Proverb says: Coffee and love taste best when hot.  And I would have to agree with those wise Ethiopians.  Love is an action and a reaction.  Love is an emotion and a passion.  Love is not about telling someone you love them, it is about showing them.  How lukewarm is it to hear "I love you" without a kiss or a hug or a touch.  It is a nice thing to hear, don't get me wrong.  But words, while powerful, when it comes to love, are never enough. 

Women often love with their whole beings...every limb, every blood cell, every sense is involved.  We can taste, touch, feel, see, and hear love...it is much like a symphony for our ears or the juicy pop of a blackberry upon our tongues.  While I a not a man, it seems, that men love in a mix of emotions and physicality...a desire for you physically teamed with a fragile need to feel needed and wanted by you.  No matter how you qualify it, love is a connection, that is only as strong as you make it.   When we come together to build a relationship, we must bring with us, all of that passion, that emotion, that intimacy, and through those, show the other person how much you care for them.  And when someone who loves you with action speaks his or her love to you, you don't just merely hear it, you feel it. 

I am reminded of something someone once told me:
"Men love to eat, they need to eat, they have to eat, but if a man loves you, and it is between you and the biggest, juiciest hamburger after he has not eaten for a week, he will always choose you."
...now that, that is love!

Song of the Day: Love is Not Made in Words by Deborah Cox

Whose that Girl...

Did you know that your name says alot about who you are...
well my name is karyn...
So what exactly should that tell you about me...

Well, first, my name is spelled with a "y"...y is that one letter that is sometimes a consonant and sometimes a vowel...it doesn't quite fit neatly into a box, it is the one unique and different letter out of the whole lot. 
Also, my name, is regular name, but it also has a kind of confidence about it, it just is...no pretenses, no fuss, no l'accent aigu or l'accent grave, no prefix or suffix...its straight up. 
My name means "pure" and while many might take that to mean vanilla, or chaste, I take it to mean without filler...I am just who I am...
Lastly, my name has a hard start and a soft finish, much like myself.  At first I can be tough, sorta standoffish, and I am not by nature a friendly person...but once you are apart of my life, which is only reserved for those people who bring something unique and necessary into my life, I will love you for life. 

Whose that girl...She is me and I am she!

Oh, and don't forget to feed the fish!