"But I've got to know
Body and soul
That you've got no doubt
inside and out
We are whole"
Body and Soul-Anita Baker
We sometimes focus so much on the physical side of relationships, we forget that there are major factors that come into the play that have nothing to do with sex. When you get caught up in the whirlwind of a sexual relationship, especially when you have been lonely or feeling down, it can elevate you to a level above reality. The key is to bring yourself down long enough to discuss with someone those key things that make a relationship sustainable outside of and including the physical.
Someone really smart once told me that there are four areas that he thinks are necessarily to discuss with someone...and he schooled me a little bit. So let me in turn school you.
1. Emotional-For most women, the emotional and the physical go hand in hand. This is not so often true for men. Men can compartmentalize sex in a way that women generally cannot. The way a man feels about you is one thing, his connection with your sexually is another. They do intersect, but they are not one in the same. For a man, the key emotional issues is that he feels appreciated and wanted. It seems to simple to be true, but it is true...ask any man. For women, we have a laundry list of emotional needs...but if we break those down, they generally consist of feeling desired, safe, protected, and loved unconditionally. Not at all very different from what men want. We all, in general, want to be loved by someone and know that they want us in their lives and are happy we are in their lives. We make this known through our actions, but learning what each other likes, wants, and needs, and attempting to fill the person's life with those things.
2. Mental-Communication is the one thing that ruins most relationships. It is the lack thereof that causes a breakdown of trust and openness. When you are in constant dialogue with someone, you are constantly opening yourself up by revealing parts of yourself to them. You are also providing and getting the feedback you need to start to trust the person. In addition to communication, another key component of a mental relationship is how well you match up intellectually. This has nothing to do with your job, your salary, or any matieral issue...but instead, how well you connect on issues that are important to you. That you both are on the same page concerning the business aspects of your relationship (finances, children, etc.). You both bring something to the table that is going to help make you a better unit. And knowledge that if one of you is weak, the other person is strong enough to take over temporarily.
3. Spiritual-Now this is not the same as religious. It does not mean that you both go to church every Sunday, unless that is something you have both discussed is important in your lives. What is does mean is that you both have some fundamental similarities in terms of your spiritual selves. You both believe in God, in a higher power, or in something other than yourselves. You have a similar set of beliefs about the world, your place in it, and how you are guided through the world. You have to be open to discuss your attitudes about what role religion, if any, plays in your lives and how you will express your spritiual beliefs.
4. Physical-Most people get down to the actual behavior before they ever discuss the place this will have in their relationship. Their expectations, their wants, their ideas, and responsibility. It is important to discuss these things BEFORE you embark on a physical relationship, because as we all know, this is the one area that can take you from First Base to a Home Run in a matter of minutes. It is important to discuss exclusivitiy, committment, trust, and yes, protection, when you are having a sexual relationship with someone. Talking about these things will actually remove alot of the questions in your mind, and make for a better and less stressful experience with your mate.
So make a date to sit down and talk...making your wants, needs, and expectations known is only going to give you more time to enjoy each other!
Thursday, September 30, 2010
The Scarlet Letter
"No man for any considerable period can wear one face to himself and another to the multitude, without finally getting bewildered as to which may be the true." ~Nathaniel Hawthorne
I am a typical Type A personality. I am aggressive, in control, opinionated, competitive, high-achieving, with high expectations and a organizational habit that Martha Stewart would be proud of. I am a "a place for everything and everything in its place" kind of girl. I despise clutter. I shutter at that though of random pieces of paper strewn about with random numbers, names, and figures on them that no one can decipher.
Most people accept me as is...well, they really don't have much of a choice. I came into my own pretty early on, and I have not changed very much in terms of my personality traits. In addition to being Type A, I tend to be a bit pessimistic...which translates into being a little less friendly and a little more transparent than some people might care for. I have found that most of my friends and family are fine with who I am. I have also found that one group tends to have an issue dealing with a strong willed woman, with sky high goals: MEN!
Now, dont get me wrong, there are many men who love a hustler's spirit in a woman. However, the vast majority of men seem to be more comfortable with a woman with a little less powerful of a spirit than most of us Type A's. So, they go on the attack very early on...and it can start to wear on anyone...even someone as resistant to pressure as me. I have always been the "DOER" in the relationships I have been in. I get the job done. If something needs to happen, I am most often left to get it done. That is not necessarily how I wanted it, but if I didn't do it, it would not get done. When that is your role, you tend to come across as stronger than your mate...and if you know men, you know that the LAST thing they want is someone who they feel is taking over their role.
So, I began to play this dual role...the leader and the follower...and you cannot be both. I was generally taking care of all of the business aspects of the relationship...but then being expected to follow when it came to the emotional or physical parts. Truth is, if I am going to lead, you may as well just give me the reigns...and it was hard for me to be one thing some of the time and another the rest of the time. I started to lose sight of who I really was...and that for me, spelled trouble. Each time, like clockwork, it would come down to whether the man was taking on his role or pushing it over to me. I can handle it, but I didn't want to handle two jobs...one job on a two man team is enough.
I guess God saw me struggling down here, and decided to help me out. I came to the realization one day that I could not be two selves...I could only be one, my true self. I was Miss Type A...I couldnt be anything else. However, if I had someone who knew how to handle business, I would easily defer to him. I have enough other things in my life to control and dominate...I don't need to control and dominate my relationships. So, I decided to present my true self, to always be my true self, and that anyone that was not okay with that, was not for me. I cannot wear two faces, I happen to the think the one I've got is pretty cute...why mess with perfection!
I am a typical Type A personality. I am aggressive, in control, opinionated, competitive, high-achieving, with high expectations and a organizational habit that Martha Stewart would be proud of. I am a "a place for everything and everything in its place" kind of girl. I despise clutter. I shutter at that though of random pieces of paper strewn about with random numbers, names, and figures on them that no one can decipher.
Most people accept me as is...well, they really don't have much of a choice. I came into my own pretty early on, and I have not changed very much in terms of my personality traits. In addition to being Type A, I tend to be a bit pessimistic...which translates into being a little less friendly and a little more transparent than some people might care for. I have found that most of my friends and family are fine with who I am. I have also found that one group tends to have an issue dealing with a strong willed woman, with sky high goals: MEN!
Now, dont get me wrong, there are many men who love a hustler's spirit in a woman. However, the vast majority of men seem to be more comfortable with a woman with a little less powerful of a spirit than most of us Type A's. So, they go on the attack very early on...and it can start to wear on anyone...even someone as resistant to pressure as me. I have always been the "DOER" in the relationships I have been in. I get the job done. If something needs to happen, I am most often left to get it done. That is not necessarily how I wanted it, but if I didn't do it, it would not get done. When that is your role, you tend to come across as stronger than your mate...and if you know men, you know that the LAST thing they want is someone who they feel is taking over their role.
So, I began to play this dual role...the leader and the follower...and you cannot be both. I was generally taking care of all of the business aspects of the relationship...but then being expected to follow when it came to the emotional or physical parts. Truth is, if I am going to lead, you may as well just give me the reigns...and it was hard for me to be one thing some of the time and another the rest of the time. I started to lose sight of who I really was...and that for me, spelled trouble. Each time, like clockwork, it would come down to whether the man was taking on his role or pushing it over to me. I can handle it, but I didn't want to handle two jobs...one job on a two man team is enough.
I guess God saw me struggling down here, and decided to help me out. I came to the realization one day that I could not be two selves...I could only be one, my true self. I was Miss Type A...I couldnt be anything else. However, if I had someone who knew how to handle business, I would easily defer to him. I have enough other things in my life to control and dominate...I don't need to control and dominate my relationships. So, I decided to present my true self, to always be my true self, and that anyone that was not okay with that, was not for me. I cannot wear two faces, I happen to the think the one I've got is pretty cute...why mess with perfection!
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Twisted, Part II
Not only do adults do it, kids do it to.
My son is going to have some woman's head GONE one day, but not this woman's.
Baby boy, I GOT YOUR NUMBER!
Sad I have to tell him this sorta stuff and he is only 5.
Imagine the type of stuff he will be getting into at say, 15!
My son is going to have some woman's head GONE one day, but not this woman's.
Baby boy, I GOT YOUR NUMBER!
Sad I have to tell him this sorta stuff and he is only 5.
Imagine the type of stuff he will be getting into at say, 15!
Twisted
People often get me twisted...think I am one thing when I am a completely different thing.
Well...you already know what they say about assumptions...
I have recently discovered a truth. A truth I have always known about a person, but I wanted to know it for certain before I claimed its truth. Now that I know it, I can tell you with certainty that this person has me muthafuckin' twisted!
I take no shorts. I am not a sucka. I can run with the big dogs. I am a boss. Let's start by untwisting things. I was brought here, to do big things. I was made to be a movement. If there is anyone who is a non-believer, I am a known converter! So, I find humor and challenge in the fact that there are people out here who choose to doubt me. Yet, I know my worth. I have been told my worth since the womb. I come from a stock of worthy folk...some who claim it, some who don't, but all worthy all the same. So when I set out to do something, I put one foot in front of the other and do the walk.
I have found that people who are fraudulent have to scream their worth from the rooftops...just like people who don't really think they are attractive tell everyone how attractive they are, just like boys who want to be men so bad run around claiming their manhood to anyone who will listen. Those people are sad and usually, most usually, have all of the worthy people around them twisted. They think they are smarter than, more successful than, more educated than, cuter than, better dressed than, more worthy than...you are. And you have to put those people in their place, in the right way. Not by screaming and hollering, trippin out and calling them everything but a child of God...live in your worth. THAT'S RIGHT...Live in your worth. That will effectively fuck them up worse than anything you could ever say. Twist their asses right back!
So for all of you who are worthy and you have haters out there...I suggest you put on your big boy drawers or big girl panties, take a shot of Patron, put on your good shoes, and step lively, walk the walk, and when you are feeling like a pimp...go ahead, dust those haters right off your shoulders!
Song of the Day: What's Beef-Biggie
Well...you already know what they say about assumptions...
I have recently discovered a truth. A truth I have always known about a person, but I wanted to know it for certain before I claimed its truth. Now that I know it, I can tell you with certainty that this person has me muthafuckin' twisted!
I take no shorts. I am not a sucka. I can run with the big dogs. I am a boss. Let's start by untwisting things. I was brought here, to do big things. I was made to be a movement. If there is anyone who is a non-believer, I am a known converter! So, I find humor and challenge in the fact that there are people out here who choose to doubt me. Yet, I know my worth. I have been told my worth since the womb. I come from a stock of worthy folk...some who claim it, some who don't, but all worthy all the same. So when I set out to do something, I put one foot in front of the other and do the walk.
I have found that people who are fraudulent have to scream their worth from the rooftops...just like people who don't really think they are attractive tell everyone how attractive they are, just like boys who want to be men so bad run around claiming their manhood to anyone who will listen. Those people are sad and usually, most usually, have all of the worthy people around them twisted. They think they are smarter than, more successful than, more educated than, cuter than, better dressed than, more worthy than...you are. And you have to put those people in their place, in the right way. Not by screaming and hollering, trippin out and calling them everything but a child of God...live in your worth. THAT'S RIGHT...Live in your worth. That will effectively fuck them up worse than anything you could ever say. Twist their asses right back!
So for all of you who are worthy and you have haters out there...I suggest you put on your big boy drawers or big girl panties, take a shot of Patron, put on your good shoes, and step lively, walk the walk, and when you are feeling like a pimp...go ahead, dust those haters right off your shoulders!
Song of the Day: What's Beef-Biggie
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)