"No man for any considerable period can wear one face to himself and another to the multitude, without finally getting bewildered as to which may be the true." ~Nathaniel Hawthorne
I am a typical Type A personality. I am aggressive, in control, opinionated, competitive, high-achieving, with high expectations and a organizational habit that Martha Stewart would be proud of. I am a "a place for everything and everything in its place" kind of girl. I despise clutter. I shutter at that though of random pieces of paper strewn about with random numbers, names, and figures on them that no one can decipher.
Most people accept me as is...well, they really don't have much of a choice. I came into my own pretty early on, and I have not changed very much in terms of my personality traits. In addition to being Type A, I tend to be a bit pessimistic...which translates into being a little less friendly and a little more transparent than some people might care for. I have found that most of my friends and family are fine with who I am. I have also found that one group tends to have an issue dealing with a strong willed woman, with sky high goals: MEN!
Now, dont get me wrong, there are many men who love a hustler's spirit in a woman. However, the vast majority of men seem to be more comfortable with a woman with a little less powerful of a spirit than most of us Type A's. So, they go on the attack very early on...and it can start to wear on anyone...even someone as resistant to pressure as me. I have always been the "DOER" in the relationships I have been in. I get the job done. If something needs to happen, I am most often left to get it done. That is not necessarily how I wanted it, but if I didn't do it, it would not get done. When that is your role, you tend to come across as stronger than your mate...and if you know men, you know that the LAST thing they want is someone who they feel is taking over their role.
So, I began to play this dual role...the leader and the follower...and you cannot be both. I was generally taking care of all of the business aspects of the relationship...but then being expected to follow when it came to the emotional or physical parts. Truth is, if I am going to lead, you may as well just give me the reigns...and it was hard for me to be one thing some of the time and another the rest of the time. I started to lose sight of who I really was...and that for me, spelled trouble. Each time, like clockwork, it would come down to whether the man was taking on his role or pushing it over to me. I can handle it, but I didn't want to handle two jobs...one job on a two man team is enough.
I guess God saw me struggling down here, and decided to help me out. I came to the realization one day that I could not be two selves...I could only be one, my true self. I was Miss Type A...I couldnt be anything else. However, if I had someone who knew how to handle business, I would easily defer to him. I have enough other things in my life to control and dominate...I don't need to control and dominate my relationships. So, I decided to present my true self, to always be my true self, and that anyone that was not okay with that, was not for me. I cannot wear two faces, I happen to the think the one I've got is pretty cute...why mess with perfection!
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