The #1 Draft Pick: The Bloginar
How to make better choices when it comes to finding a lifetime partner, in other words, how to pick better!
Story:
Adrian
Adrian and I go wayyy back. Adrian is a sweetheart, the kind of person who would do anything for the people she loves. Adrian wears her heart on her sleeve, and is quick to fall in love with a man who she believes is worth it. That is just it though, her "worth it" radar is off. She often gives in to a man well before he has proven his worth, given her a reason to like him, let alone love him. Adrian is successful and smart and beautiful. However, she often finds herself back at the drawing board. She is no fool, so there is no need to rush in. The draft takes time.
2. THE DRAFT
I completely believe that most single women who are ready for a relationship have a skewed idea of what an quality adult man is really like, because they have spent so much time with losers.
Men are not at the club every weekend, unless they own it.
Men are not 35 living at home with their parents, they are not walking (except for exercise purposes), and they are not broke.
Men are not interested in every woman they see.
Men are not sleeping with every woman they come into contact with.
Men have expectations, wants, needs, and feelings just like you do...and they are not afraid to show them and communicate them.
After you get your male radar adjusted, the next step is finding someone who is ELIGIBLE. Now what makes him eligible depends on the woman and what she is looking for. Someone eligible to be with a successful, hard-working, loving, caring, attractive, honest, and independent woman should be a successful, hard-working, loving, caring, attractive, honest, and independent man. Now, that package can come together many different ways, but overall, if that is what you are offering that is what you should be open to. Eligibility is all about what you have to offer to someone. If you are eligible for a certain job, you have the necessary skills to do that kind of job. If you are eligible to be with me, you have to have the necessary skills to be with me. If I am determined, hard-working, goal-oriented, and want to make a mark on the world...a man who thinks that working at McDonald's the rest of his life as fry boy is a lofty goal is probably not going to have the skills to be with me or understand me. He will not understand my drive. He will not quite understand what it takes to meet my professional goals. By the same token, if I am a romantic, loving, and affectionate person, a man who just wants to have sex, get it over with, and move on to the next thing, is not going to have the skills to meet my wants and needs physically and emotionally.
Some women make a list, other's just know what it is that they need in a man. Whatever your method, I think it is very important to be clear about your wants and needs. Hiding them will not EVER get you what you want. It is not necessarily that an eligible man is going to give you all you want and need, but if he is truly worthy of being in the draft, he will at least want to know your wants and needs. Remember, he has to do the work of determining if you are eligible for his time and energy as well. So, he needs to know whether he can provide for you, whether you are someone he would want to put his life on the line to protect, and if he could ever see himself professing his love for you. So take this time to do the same. Are you looking for someone to spend you life with, to create a family with? Does he even have the basics requirements for you to see him in this way? Is this someone you would spend each day appreciating and showing how much you love him? Be honest with yourself...don't make excuses for him, don't give him extra points where he has not earned them. If he hasn't shown you that he has the skills to meet your needs and wants, or at least some of them, he has no real interest in being with you (in coupledom), he only wants to be with you (in the bedroom).
If you notice, you will see that the things that make a man eligible may not be readily apparent at first glance. It may take some time to get to know these things. Most people want to rush into relationships, because they wanna get to the good part. But the good times will be more plentiful and enjoyable if you only invest more TIME in the process.
Timing is everything. It really is. It determines whether you meet or not. It determines how often your paths will cross. It is a measure of quantity...but it is unique in that it is also a measure of quality.
So, you have been dating a man for two weeks, you really dig him, he is all of the things, on the surface, that you have been looking for. You decide that you are ready to embark on a relationship with him, and you speed up the dating process and enter into a relationship. Soon after, you start realizing that he is extremely demanding. He wants to know where you are each minute. He wants your hair a certain way, your skirts a certain length. He tries to limit your phone calls and gets angry when you talk too long or seem to be ignoring him. Now, take the same scenario and add another two months to your dating time...and one night at dinner he comments on how another man is looking at your legs because you skirt is too short, or that because your hair is so curly and beautiful you are commanding too many looks and head-turns. You notice on your next outing, that when your phone rings mid-conversation and you say "Excuse me, this is my mother, I need to take this" he looks at you sternly and asks you, "Must you take that call right now?" You make this your last date as you have correctly determined that he is controlling and rather crazy.
Time is nature's safety latch. It is a cushion, of sorts, allowing you the space and freedom to determine if something should be welcomed into or shunned from your life. It is a natural guard against harm. So, when you fight against it, you lose some of these aides in decision-making. You rob yourself of one of the greatest ways to determine if something is toxic or not. In the previous set of scenarios, the latter used time to its advantage, and when the young lady realized that this man could potentially mean her harm, maybe not physically, but certainly mentally and emotionally, she was able to retreat becasue she gave herself a cushion of time within which to determine if he was eligible for the draft. In the former scenario, that young woman didn't allow herself that cushion, rushed through the draft, and right into a harmful relationship.
Dont' be afraid to take your time. Many times we feel as though if we don't pounce, we will lose our standing. Yet, any man worth is weight is going to see the prize in you, if he is interested in you and sees you as a positive influence in his life. He will not make you nor ask you to rush into anything. In fact, he will want to be as certain that you are right for him as you are about him. Fools rush in.
Lastly, the key to any relationship, romantic or otherwise, that most people save for later mistakenly, is COMMUNICATION. In fact, this will help you figure out if the person is either eligible and worth your time, and if you have put enough time into the pending relationship. There are some key factors that you need to discuss to determine if someone is draft ready.
MARRIAGE: Everyone has some key issues that they want determined before they embark on a relationship. Those basics usually revolve around one thing, marriage. People generally either see a relationship as leading to marriage, or do not want to be married. This is something you need to discuss BEFORE you get into a relationship. Asking a man his views on marriage is not and should not be taboo or some dangerous conversation you need to wait until the five month mark to have. Maybe it's not first date discussion material, but once you have discussed basic things about yourself, wants, and needs...this would follow. If you want to be married, find someone that wants to be married...and you can only do that by talking about it. This is a very important discusssion, but it should not be feared. At the least, it will let you know this person is not for you. At the most, it will open you and him up to many more discussions about the relationship you are preparing to enter.
RELATIONSHIP ZONES: There are five distinct zones in a any relationship: emotional, spiritual, physical, mental, and financial. The physical and the financial tend to be the most controversial, the most important, and the most taboo. However, we make them that way. The fact is, all of these are of equal importance, and should be discussed at length, to determine your boundaries, your expectations, and your feelings surrounding each. I don't mean you sit down and discuss emotions...but for instance, you can talk about how you are going to handle disagreements. Spiritually, you can discuss religion, your lack thereof, beliefs, and faith. Mentally, you can talk about your personalities, how each of you handle certain things and how you can change and become better. Physically, you can discuss intimacy, monogamy, etc. I don't want to dictate what discussions are important to you, only you know that...but the discussions are important and necessary on this side of the relationship...
Once you have tackled these issues, and a man or woman for that matter, has proven him or her self worthy, you are now ready to pick your #1 draft pick. NEXT: PICK YOUR PLAYER!
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Friday, October 15, 2010
The #1 Draft Pick: Getting Ready
The end of a relationship does not signify that it was a bad relationship or an unsuccessful one.
Relationships are not all made the same...I am sure you have heard it before: a reason, a season, a lifetime.
Well, I knew I had gotten to the end of my reasons and seasons and wanted a lifetime mate. But wanting is a desire, not a state of being...and I wanted to BE READY for my lifetime mate. That being said, I realized that just like when we make any other choices in life, we usually have a set of dos and donts, pros and cons, yea or nays...and I thought, hmmmmm...I wanted to be prepared when the opportunity presented itself.
So, a friend of mine, with whom I share many of my newfound life discoveries told me I needed to make this into a seminar. So...since this is one in a series of many, I figured I would start this online, a bloginar. So here goes:
The #1 Draft Pick: The Bloginar
How to make better choices when it comes to finding a lifetime partner, in other words, how to pick better!
Story:
Deanna
Deanna is a friend of mine, and she is my relationship idol. She has always been really strong in her faith, and stood true to her beliefs. I would listen to her talk about what she wanted in a husband and mate since we were in high school...and I swear, she spoke him into her life. When he appeared, she was ready...and everything else seemed to fall into place. By no means am I suggesting her relationship is perfect, but it is successful.
1. GETTING READY
Before you go out on Friday night, you get all fancy, go to the salon, get a new outfit, walk around in your shoes so they don't destroy your feet. So when your ride picks you up, you are at your best. Well, the same kind of planning and preparation needs to go into yourself when you are preparing for your lifetime mate.
Emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually you need to come into the situation with a firm understanding of who you are and what your boundaries are...period.
Many of us, men and women, bring our past relationships into our present one, and that is simply because we have not gotten over the hurt, the pain, the confusion, the misunderstanding, or the loss of that partner. You have to have worked through that and moved past it in order to enter into another relationship and expect it to be successful. Most people JUMP into something new in order to get their minds off of the past or to get over the past. That does not, I repeat, that DOES NOT work. Another man cannot help a woman get over her old man...he only brings more confusion into her emotional zone. You now have these two people in your emotional zone that are vying for contention. The happiness the new person brings and the sadness the memories of the past provoke eventually meld into one, and you either misrepresent the new man in your mind, placing him on a pedestal he has not earned; drive the new man away with your confusion; or move into a new relationship that will always be defined by what happened in the past (you get angry at anything the new man does that reminds you of the past, you project the past's motives, perspective, and thoughts onto the new man, etc.). All three are bad!
So take time to work on getting over whatever emotions you have left over from the past.
Mentally, you have to basically understand that the NEW does not equal the OLD. It goes back to the emotional displacement. You have to be able to correctly categorize whether your reactions to the new man's ways, behaviors, words, etc. are based on HIS ways, behaviors, words, etc. or something that happened in the past. You also have to have a set of boundaries that you will enforce and stick to, and allow to guide you through the important decisions you make in your relationship.
Spiritually, it is very important to have faith. I am not speaking in biblical or religious terms necessarily, but they definitely fit here. It is all about what power you have faith in, and how you use that in your life. If you have faith in, for example, God, you will have a set of beliefs that dictate to you how you should behave in a relationship. If you believe in the concept of love, you will have a set of beliefs about what the power of love can do for you, for your life, and for your relationship...and how you use love to work through your difficulties. When you and your potential mate share these beliefs, it makes for an even stronger connection. But since we are focusing on self right now, the objective is to be very faithful to your beliefs.
Physically, you just need to make certain that you are happy with yourself, your image, your looks, your level of health, etc. so that you don't project your negative image on yourself onto him. It is unattractive and a big turn off! Furthermore, whatever your sexual boundaries are, you need to be prepared to enforce those and stick to them, because this is often the biggest sign of weakness to a potential mate about your level of readiness. When you are unable to enforce your sexual ideals, it is often becasue you are insecure, unsure, and stuck in the past.
So, getting ready for bed, for work, for the club...you have all these rituals and things that you do in order to make sure you get your desired result...do the same when preparing yourself for a mate.
"I'm ready, yes I'm ready to love you, forever!"
Song of the Day: I'm Ready
Relationships are not all made the same...I am sure you have heard it before: a reason, a season, a lifetime.
Well, I knew I had gotten to the end of my reasons and seasons and wanted a lifetime mate. But wanting is a desire, not a state of being...and I wanted to BE READY for my lifetime mate. That being said, I realized that just like when we make any other choices in life, we usually have a set of dos and donts, pros and cons, yea or nays...and I thought, hmmmmm...I wanted to be prepared when the opportunity presented itself.
So, a friend of mine, with whom I share many of my newfound life discoveries told me I needed to make this into a seminar. So...since this is one in a series of many, I figured I would start this online, a bloginar. So here goes:
The #1 Draft Pick: The Bloginar
How to make better choices when it comes to finding a lifetime partner, in other words, how to pick better!
Story:
Deanna
Deanna is a friend of mine, and she is my relationship idol. She has always been really strong in her faith, and stood true to her beliefs. I would listen to her talk about what she wanted in a husband and mate since we were in high school...and I swear, she spoke him into her life. When he appeared, she was ready...and everything else seemed to fall into place. By no means am I suggesting her relationship is perfect, but it is successful.
1. GETTING READY
Before you go out on Friday night, you get all fancy, go to the salon, get a new outfit, walk around in your shoes so they don't destroy your feet. So when your ride picks you up, you are at your best. Well, the same kind of planning and preparation needs to go into yourself when you are preparing for your lifetime mate.
Emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually you need to come into the situation with a firm understanding of who you are and what your boundaries are...period.
Many of us, men and women, bring our past relationships into our present one, and that is simply because we have not gotten over the hurt, the pain, the confusion, the misunderstanding, or the loss of that partner. You have to have worked through that and moved past it in order to enter into another relationship and expect it to be successful. Most people JUMP into something new in order to get their minds off of the past or to get over the past. That does not, I repeat, that DOES NOT work. Another man cannot help a woman get over her old man...he only brings more confusion into her emotional zone. You now have these two people in your emotional zone that are vying for contention. The happiness the new person brings and the sadness the memories of the past provoke eventually meld into one, and you either misrepresent the new man in your mind, placing him on a pedestal he has not earned; drive the new man away with your confusion; or move into a new relationship that will always be defined by what happened in the past (you get angry at anything the new man does that reminds you of the past, you project the past's motives, perspective, and thoughts onto the new man, etc.). All three are bad!
So take time to work on getting over whatever emotions you have left over from the past.
Mentally, you have to basically understand that the NEW does not equal the OLD. It goes back to the emotional displacement. You have to be able to correctly categorize whether your reactions to the new man's ways, behaviors, words, etc. are based on HIS ways, behaviors, words, etc. or something that happened in the past. You also have to have a set of boundaries that you will enforce and stick to, and allow to guide you through the important decisions you make in your relationship.
Spiritually, it is very important to have faith. I am not speaking in biblical or religious terms necessarily, but they definitely fit here. It is all about what power you have faith in, and how you use that in your life. If you have faith in, for example, God, you will have a set of beliefs that dictate to you how you should behave in a relationship. If you believe in the concept of love, you will have a set of beliefs about what the power of love can do for you, for your life, and for your relationship...and how you use love to work through your difficulties. When you and your potential mate share these beliefs, it makes for an even stronger connection. But since we are focusing on self right now, the objective is to be very faithful to your beliefs.
Physically, you just need to make certain that you are happy with yourself, your image, your looks, your level of health, etc. so that you don't project your negative image on yourself onto him. It is unattractive and a big turn off! Furthermore, whatever your sexual boundaries are, you need to be prepared to enforce those and stick to them, because this is often the biggest sign of weakness to a potential mate about your level of readiness. When you are unable to enforce your sexual ideals, it is often becasue you are insecure, unsure, and stuck in the past.
So, getting ready for bed, for work, for the club...you have all these rituals and things that you do in order to make sure you get your desired result...do the same when preparing yourself for a mate.
"I'm ready, yes I'm ready to love you, forever!"
Song of the Day: I'm Ready
Friday, October 1, 2010
I Hope You Dance
"I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance ..."
A young lady that I know, not well, but know, has always struck me as this powerful force, and I wondered if she had any idea how powerful and commanding and PRESENT she always seemed to be. I saw her online yesterday, and decided to send her a short note, to let her know that I had this on my heart and wanted her to know that she was inspiring and powerful, and to never fear being herself.
Anyhow, I let her know...and I was amazed that she told me she had been feeling mistreated and unappreciated, and that while she was natuarally positive, she had begun to feel like maybe she was givign too much of herself.
I assured her, and I believe, although I am human and not always in an emotional or mental place to put it in practice, that the way to combat hate, dishonesty, mistreatment, or any other disturbing behavior someone exhibits towards you is by showing them love, decency, and positivity. That is not the same as being weak, as being a doormat, or as being passive...it is just the opposite. It is showing strength, courage, and aggressiveness. It is a positive reaction, but a reaction nonetheless.
It is hard to be one's true self sometimes. It is hard to really stay present and live in the moment. There are some of us who just seem to always be living in sync with our pulse...alive and aware at every moment. Fully engaged in life. I wanted this young woman to know that I saw that in her...that God had helped me recognize that in her, and that I felt it was important to share. So often we get so caught up in our own problems, attitudes, and reality that we forget to acknowledge those around us who manage to somehow shine their light on everyone, no matter what is going on in their lives.
Take time out to do the things that count, to tell people how they have affected you, what they mean to you, and remind them to dance!
Never settle for the path of least resistance ..."
A young lady that I know, not well, but know, has always struck me as this powerful force, and I wondered if she had any idea how powerful and commanding and PRESENT she always seemed to be. I saw her online yesterday, and decided to send her a short note, to let her know that I had this on my heart and wanted her to know that she was inspiring and powerful, and to never fear being herself.
Anyhow, I let her know...and I was amazed that she told me she had been feeling mistreated and unappreciated, and that while she was natuarally positive, she had begun to feel like maybe she was givign too much of herself.
I assured her, and I believe, although I am human and not always in an emotional or mental place to put it in practice, that the way to combat hate, dishonesty, mistreatment, or any other disturbing behavior someone exhibits towards you is by showing them love, decency, and positivity. That is not the same as being weak, as being a doormat, or as being passive...it is just the opposite. It is showing strength, courage, and aggressiveness. It is a positive reaction, but a reaction nonetheless.
It is hard to be one's true self sometimes. It is hard to really stay present and live in the moment. There are some of us who just seem to always be living in sync with our pulse...alive and aware at every moment. Fully engaged in life. I wanted this young woman to know that I saw that in her...that God had helped me recognize that in her, and that I felt it was important to share. So often we get so caught up in our own problems, attitudes, and reality that we forget to acknowledge those around us who manage to somehow shine their light on everyone, no matter what is going on in their lives.
Take time out to do the things that count, to tell people how they have affected you, what they mean to you, and remind them to dance!
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