The #1 Draft Pick: The Draft

The #1 Draft Pick: The Bloginar
How to make better choices when it comes to finding a lifetime partner, in other words, how to pick better!

Story:
Adrian
Adrian and I go wayyy back.  Adrian is a sweetheart, the kind of person who would do anything for the people she loves.  Adrian wears her heart on her sleeve, and is quick to fall in love with a man who she believes is worth it.  That is just it though, her "worth it" radar is off.  She often gives in to a man well before he has proven his worth, given her a reason to like him, let alone love him.  Adrian is successful and smart and beautiful.  However, she often finds herself back at the drawing board.  She is no fool, so there is no need to rush in.  The draft takes time. 


2. THE DRAFT

 I completely believe that most single women who are ready for a relationship have a skewed idea of what an quality adult man is really like, because they have spent so much time with losers.   
Men are not at the club every weekend, unless they own it.  
Men are not 35 living at home with their parents, they are not walking (except for exercise purposes), and they are not broke.  
Men are not interested in every woman they see.  
Men are not sleeping with every woman they come into contact with.  
Men have expectations, wants, needs, and feelings just like you do...and they are not afraid to show them and communicate them. 

After you get your male radar adjusted, the next step is finding someone who is ELIGIBLE.  Now what makes him eligible depends on the woman and what she is looking for.  Someone eligible to be with a successful, hard-working, loving, caring, attractive, honest, and independent woman should be a successful, hard-working, loving, caring, attractive, honest, and independent man.  Now, that package can come together many different ways, but overall, if that is what you are offering that is what you should be open to.  Eligibility is all about what you have to offer to someone.  If you are eligible for a certain job, you have the necessary skills to do that kind of job.  If you are eligible to be with me, you have to have the necessary skills to be with me.  If I am determined, hard-working, goal-oriented, and want to make a mark on the world...a man who thinks that working at McDonald's the rest of his life as fry boy is a lofty goal is probably not going to have the skills to be with me or understand me.  He will not understand my drive.  He will not quite understand what it takes to meet my professional goals.  By the same token, if I am a romantic, loving, and affectionate person, a man who just wants to have sex, get it over with, and move on to the next thing, is not going to have the skills to meet my wants and needs physically and emotionally.

Some women make a list, other's just know what it is that they need in a man.  Whatever your method, I think it is very important to be clear about your wants and needs.  Hiding them will not EVER get you what you want.  It is not necessarily that an eligible man is going to give you all you want and need, but if he is truly worthy of being in the draft, he will at least want to know your wants and needs.  Remember, he has to do the work of determining if you are eligible for his time and energy as well.  So, he needs to know whether he can provide for you, whether you are someone he would want to put his life on the line to protect, and if he could ever see himself professing his love for you.  So take this time to do the same.  Are you looking for someone to spend you life with, to create a family with?  Does he even have the basics requirements for you to see him in this way?  Is this someone you would spend each day appreciating and showing how much you love him?  Be honest with yourself...don't make excuses for him, don't give him extra points where he has not earned them.  If he hasn't shown you that he has the skills to meet your needs and wants, or at least some of them, he has no real interest in being with you (in coupledom), he only wants to be with you (in the bedroom).  

 If you notice, you will see that the things that make a man eligible may not be readily apparent at first glance.  It may take some time to get to know these things. Most people want to rush into relationships, because they wanna get to the good part.  But the good times will be more plentiful and enjoyable if you only invest more TIME in the process. 

Timing is everything.  It really is.  It determines whether you meet or not.  It determines how often your paths will cross.  It is a measure of quantity...but it is unique in that it is also a measure of quality.  
So, you have been dating a man for two weeks, you really dig him, he is all of the things, on the surface, that you have been looking for.  You decide that you are ready to embark on a relationship with him, and you speed up the dating process and enter into a relationship.  Soon after, you start realizing that he is extremely demanding.  He wants to know where you are each minute.  He wants your hair a certain way, your skirts a  certain length.  He tries to limit your phone calls and gets angry when you talk too long or seem to be ignoring him.  Now, take the same scenario and add another two months to your dating time...and one night at dinner he comments on how another man is looking at your legs because you skirt is too short, or that because your hair is so curly and beautiful you are commanding too many looks and head-turns.  You notice on your next outing, that when your phone rings mid-conversation and you say "Excuse me, this is my mother, I need to take this" he looks at you sternly and asks you, "Must you take that call right now?"  You make this your last date as you have correctly determined that he is controlling and rather crazy.  

Time is nature's safety latch.  It is a cushion, of sorts, allowing you the space and freedom to determine if something should be welcomed into or shunned from your life.  It is a natural guard against harm.  So, when you fight against it, you lose some of these aides in decision-making.  You rob yourself of one of the greatest ways to determine if something is toxic or not.  In the previous set of scenarios, the latter used time to its advantage, and when the young lady realized that this man could potentially mean her harm, maybe not physically, but certainly mentally and emotionally, she was able to retreat becasue she gave herself a cushion of time within which to determine if he was eligible for the draft.  In the former scenario, that young woman didn't allow herself that cushion, rushed through the draft, and right into a harmful relationship.  

Dont' be afraid to take your time.  Many times we feel as though if we don't pounce, we will lose our standing.  Yet, any man worth is weight is going to see the prize in you, if he is interested in you and sees you as a positive influence in his life.  He will not make you nor ask you to rush into anything.  In fact, he will want to be as certain that you are right for him as you are about him.  Fools rush in.  
 
Lastly, the key to any relationship, romantic or otherwise, that most people save for later mistakenly, is COMMUNICATION.  In fact, this will help you figure out if the person is either eligible and worth your time, and if you have put enough time into the pending relationship.  There are some key factors that you need to discuss to determine if someone is draft ready. 

MARRIAGE:  Everyone has some key issues that they want determined before they embark on a relationship.  Those basics usually revolve around one thing, marriage.  People generally either see a relationship as leading to marriage, or do not want to be married.  This is something you need to discuss BEFORE you get into a relationship.  Asking a man his views on marriage is not and should not be taboo or some dangerous conversation you need to wait until the five month mark to have.  Maybe it's not first date discussion material, but once you have discussed basic things about yourself, wants, and needs...this would follow.  If you want to be married, find someone that wants to be married...and you can only do that by talking about it.   This is a very important discusssion, but it should not be feared.  At the least, it will let you know this person is not for you.  At the most, it will open you and him up to many more discussions about the relationship you are preparing to enter. 

RELATIONSHIP ZONES:  There are five distinct zones in a any relationship: emotional, spiritual, physical, mental, and financial.  The physical and the financial tend to be the most controversial, the most important, and the most taboo.  However, we make them that way.  The fact is, all of these are of equal importance, and should be discussed at length, to determine your boundaries, your expectations, and your feelings surrounding each.  I don't mean you sit down and discuss emotions...but for instance, you can talk about how you are going to handle disagreements.  Spiritually, you can discuss religion, your lack thereof, beliefs, and faith.  Mentally, you can talk about your personalities, how each of you handle certain things and how you can change and become better.  Physically, you can discuss intimacy, monogamy, etc.  I don't want to dictate what discussions are important to you, only you know that...but the discussions are important and necessary on this side of the relationship...

Once you have tackled these issues, and a man or woman for that matter, has proven him or her self worthy, you are now ready to pick your #1 draft pick.  NEXT: PICK YOUR PLAYER!