The #1 Draft Pick: Getting Ready

The end of a relationship does not signify that it was a bad relationship or an unsuccessful one. 
Relationships are not all made the same...I am sure you have heard it before: a reason, a season, a lifetime. 
Well, I knew I had gotten to the end of my reasons and seasons and wanted a lifetime mate.  But wanting is a desire, not a state of being...and I wanted to BE READY for my lifetime mate.  That being said, I realized that just like when we make any other choices in life, we usually have a set of dos and donts, pros and cons, yea or nays...and I thought, hmmmmm...I wanted to be prepared when the opportunity presented itself.

So, a friend of mine, with whom I share many of my newfound life discoveries told me I needed to make this into a seminar.  So...since this is one in a series of many, I figured I would start this online, a bloginar.  So here goes:

The #1 Draft Pick: The Bloginar
How to make better choices when it comes to finding a lifetime partner, in other words, how to pick better!

Story:
Deanna
Deanna is a friend of mine, and she is my relationship idol.  She has always been really strong in her faith, and stood true to her beliefs.  I would listen to her talk about what she wanted in a husband and mate since we were in high school...and I swear, she spoke him into her life.  When he appeared, she was ready...and everything else seemed to fall into place.  By no means am I suggesting her relationship is perfect, but it is successful.  

1.  GETTING READY

Before you go out on Friday night, you get all fancy, go to the salon, get a new outfit, walk around in your shoes so they don't destroy your feet.  So when your ride picks you up, you are at your best.  Well, the same kind of planning and preparation needs to go into yourself when you are preparing for your lifetime mate.  
Emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually you need to come into the situation with a firm understanding of who you are and what your boundaries are...period.  
Many of us, men and women, bring our past relationships into our present one, and that is simply because we have not gotten over the hurt, the pain, the confusion, the misunderstanding, or the loss of that partner.  You have to have worked through that and moved past it in order to enter into another relationship and expect it to be successful.  Most people JUMP into something new in order to get their minds off of the past or to get over the past.  That does not, I repeat, that DOES NOT work.  Another man cannot help a woman get over her old man...he only brings more confusion into her emotional zone.  You now have these two people in your emotional zone that are vying for contention.  The happiness the new person brings and the sadness the memories of the past provoke eventually meld into one, and you either misrepresent the new man in your mind, placing him on a pedestal he has not earned; drive the new man away with your confusion; or move into a new relationship that will always be defined by what happened in the past (you get angry at anything the new man does that reminds you of the past, you project the past's motives, perspective, and thoughts onto the new man, etc.).  All three are bad! 
So take time to work on getting over whatever emotions you have left over from the past. 
Mentally, you have to basically understand that the NEW does not equal the OLD.  It goes back to the emotional displacement.  You have to be able to correctly categorize whether your reactions to the new man's ways, behaviors, words, etc. are based on HIS ways, behaviors, words, etc. or something that happened in the past.  You also have to have a set of boundaries that you will enforce and stick to, and allow to guide you through the important decisions you make in your relationship. 
Spiritually, it is very important to have faith.  I am not speaking in biblical or religious terms necessarily, but they definitely fit here.  It is all about what power you have faith in, and how you use that in your life.  If you have faith in, for example, God, you will have a set of beliefs that dictate to you how you should behave in a relationship.  If you believe in the concept of love, you will have a set of beliefs about what the power of love can do for you, for your life, and for your relationship...and how you use love to work through your difficulties.  When you and your potential mate share these beliefs, it makes for an even stronger connection.  But since we are focusing on self right now, the objective is to be very faithful to your beliefs. 
Physically, you just need to make certain that you are happy with yourself, your image, your looks, your level of health, etc.  so that you don't project your negative image on yourself onto him.  It is unattractive and a big turn off!  Furthermore, whatever your sexual boundaries are, you need to be prepared to enforce those and stick to them, because this is often the biggest sign of weakness to a potential mate about your level of readiness.  When you are unable to enforce your sexual ideals, it is often becasue you are insecure, unsure, and stuck in the past. 

So, getting ready for bed, for work, for the club...you have all these rituals and things that you do in order to make sure you get your desired result...do the same when preparing yourself for a mate. 

"I'm ready, yes I'm ready to love you, forever!"

Song of the Day: I'm Ready

The Point of It All

...is I love you.

I recall hearing someone say that because they loved someone they were going to marry them.  I recall hearing many people say that, including myself.  I am here to tell you, marriage is not about love.

Marriage is a human contract, between two people to unite themselves spiritually, physically, and financially.  The emotional part, that most often comes before.  You already love the person, you have loved the person for year or months or weeks.  You care for them, have their best interests at heart, share your lives and experiences.  However, the decision to get married is about taking that romantic relationship to another level...they call it "another level" for a reason.

Take the romantic notions of the WEDDING out of your head, and concentrate on the daily work of marriage, and it is work, daily.  It is about making financial decisions, child-rearing decisions, personal decision, decisions about the home, work, cars, insurance, I could go on and on.  The love will change and grow and mellow out over the years, but the work is constant, constantly hard work.  Part of the problem is that we spend SO MUCH time talking about how much we love each other before we marry, and not enough time figuring out how we are going to handle our marriage, the business of the marriage.
Yardwork, cleaning, bills, kids, saving, vacations.  Those simple things we overlook, we never discuss. So Suzy finds herself constantly angry because Billy misses taking the trash out every Monday, because he is watching football.  Billy is upset because Suzy is not stern with their son and lets him get away with murder, and throws a fit when Billy punishes him.  Billy believes that because he makes more, he can spend more.  Suzy believes that he work as a parent is just as important, and she should have equal rights where the finances are concerned.

These people, like so many others didn't discuss the business of marriage, and find themselves not honoring
the contract they made, not working as a unit, not being equitable, respecting each other, communicating their problems, and being dedicated to working them out.  Billy and Suzy, like so many of us, thought that as long as they had a good sex life, the bills were paid, and their mother-in-laws stayed to themselves, that they would have the perfect marriage.  Marriage, takes hard work.  It takes a dedication to making it work.  It takes the realization that love is beautiful and wonderful and a part of a marriage, but by no means the whole kit and kaboodle.  Marriage is just like Microsoft, when the budget is met, when the workers are paid a fair wage for their work, when everyone pulls their weight, there is one head of the company, everyone knows their part, and shows up...u can take over the world.

Song of the Day: The Point of it All by Anthony Hamilton