I wish I had it all figured out, I would be making Oprah money...
But alas, I don't.
What I do have figured out is that I am worthy...and once you make the decision that you are worthy, you can still improve and get better, but if you are being the best you that you possibly can in this moment, then you are worthy of love, of success, of happiness...of all of the things you desire.
When I decided I was ready to move into a new phase of my life, I took as my mantra
"I'm a MOVEMENT by myself, but we're a FORCE when we're together"
That was the only kind of person I was allowing in my life from now on, man, friend, or otherwise.
My best girl friends, they make me better. They are my sounding board. I fire things off of them like they are target practice, and they fire right back at me, not afraid to say the things that most are afraid to, but with love, honesty, and that bit of wit and humor that they know I need to swallow a tough pill!
My family, the ones that I deal with, make me better. They look like me, know me, remember me when, and no matter what I accomplish or how successful I might become, I am always KK or Baby K to them!
Then, we have the man.
The man has to do the same!
He has to make me better. He has to bring passion, love, fun, honesty, and spontaneity into my life...
He has to be ready to take on the world with me.
So, I am already enough, worthy, beautiful, and a woman created in God's image.
I need the people around me, to elevate me just a bit, so we all soar above the mundane and the monotony...to the magnificent!
Most importantly, I asked SPECIFICALLY what I wanted for God to bless me with...I was specific and on point and a little more specific! Miracles happen every day, why can't one happen to me or you, because being blessed with people around you that make you better, in a world of instant gratification, selfishness, violence, and cruelty, is definitely a miracle.
It's game time, get your face on, pull up your socks, and until that #1 Draft Pick Shows his or her face...introduce the word to the MOVEMENT!
Showing posts with label #1draftpick. Show all posts
Showing posts with label #1draftpick. Show all posts
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Thursday, November 18, 2010
The #1 Draft Pick: Pick Your Player
Last in our bloginar, The #1 Draft Pick...we get to the part where its time to pick our player.
Now, most of us already ahve a pick in mind. We feel like this person is right for us, he is all the things we are looking for, he is our Mr. Right. But alas...a little digging, deeper, and you can discover if you have simply fooled yourself into thinking this man is the man for you, or he has proven himself as the man for you.
1. Training Camp
All players go to training camp before the season starts, and this is where many players who have yet to be picked show their skills. Some get picked up, some don't. Now, your training camp is your dating period. You can and usually will find out 75% of what you need to know at this point. That other 25% is the meat and potatoes...but these things are just as important. Is he a gentleman, does he want to court you or bed you, is he financially stable, does he make plans for your dates, is he thoughtful, how are his basic communication skills, does he do what he says he is going to do? When you see something that strikes you as a problem, you should immediately stop and figure out if this is a deal breaker. Maybe you give him one chance, and you let him know that is not going to be tolerated, if he does it again, chances are he does not care about meeting your expectations and making you feel important to him. This is the discovery period, and many would say it is the most important period...because you get alot of information thrown at you quickly and you have to know what to do with it.
2. Pre-Season
So, you have decided to embark on a relationship with this person...and most of us know that first few months is the trial basis. If things are not working, you may not officially break up, you might just sort of fall off...you stop calling, stop talking, stop going out, seeing each other...You have gotten past dating, and know at least that this person is someone you could consider having a long term relationship with. So now what? Now, it is time to have all of those important discussions that you did not have during the dating period. He has met your kids or you have met his, now is time to discuss your views on discipline, the roles of the children's mothers and fathers, your relationship with the children's mothers and fathers. Or maybe you live in separate places, so now is the time you start talking about possible relocation, or how long you plan to have a relationship from a distance. Start having ALL of those important conversations. Again, the red flags are going to get bigger, so when you see one, take a long hard look and determine what those red flags mean to you, if they are a deal breaker or not. You have to be honest with yourself about what red flags you might be sending up as well...and remember that neither of you are perfect, but that you want someone in your life that you are willing to work through problems with as a team.
3. The Finals
A relationship is a constant growing together...you will never know EVERYTHING about another person. You will have ups and downs and problems. It is how well you get through these problems that matter the most. I skipped to the finals, because what happens inside of your relationship, following all the necessary steps to get to the finals, will determine whether you ever really make it here. I cannot tell you HOW to make it here, only what I have seen, have learned, and believe can take you from Point A, to B, to C...
So what are the finals. Well, each of us has an objective in a relationship, whether that is to find a long term committment, to be married, to start a family, etc. This is the time where you start putting your plan into action to move the relationship from a basic committment to a more defined relationship, if that is what you desire. By your plan, I mean BOTH people's plans. And most people think a plan ENDS when you get the desired result, but it does not. It includes a plan on maintaining that relationship. So, if you have picked your perfect teammate, he is going to work with you to set up a business plan and a life plan...a business plan to handle all of the business parts of a realtionship...finances, children, living, etc. A life plan to determine your day to day living, your emotional, physical, and spiritual needs. If you have picked wrong, he will rely on or defer to you to do all the work...and sit back and reap the benefits of having a hard working, dedicated woman. If you have picked wrong, he won't think this is important, and will just want to "see where things go". If you have picked wrong, he will immediately start retreating from you, because he wanted all the things that came with the long term committment, but he only wanted to go so far with you. If you have picked wrong, your instincts will tell you. It will be up to you to pack up and move on.
And pick better the next time around.
Because the key here, is when you fail to make the #1 Draft Pick...another one will always come along if you are open to it and ready for it!
Now, most of us already ahve a pick in mind. We feel like this person is right for us, he is all the things we are looking for, he is our Mr. Right. But alas...a little digging, deeper, and you can discover if you have simply fooled yourself into thinking this man is the man for you, or he has proven himself as the man for you.
1. Training Camp
All players go to training camp before the season starts, and this is where many players who have yet to be picked show their skills. Some get picked up, some don't. Now, your training camp is your dating period. You can and usually will find out 75% of what you need to know at this point. That other 25% is the meat and potatoes...but these things are just as important. Is he a gentleman, does he want to court you or bed you, is he financially stable, does he make plans for your dates, is he thoughtful, how are his basic communication skills, does he do what he says he is going to do? When you see something that strikes you as a problem, you should immediately stop and figure out if this is a deal breaker. Maybe you give him one chance, and you let him know that is not going to be tolerated, if he does it again, chances are he does not care about meeting your expectations and making you feel important to him. This is the discovery period, and many would say it is the most important period...because you get alot of information thrown at you quickly and you have to know what to do with it.
2. Pre-Season
So, you have decided to embark on a relationship with this person...and most of us know that first few months is the trial basis. If things are not working, you may not officially break up, you might just sort of fall off...you stop calling, stop talking, stop going out, seeing each other...You have gotten past dating, and know at least that this person is someone you could consider having a long term relationship with. So now what? Now, it is time to have all of those important discussions that you did not have during the dating period. He has met your kids or you have met his, now is time to discuss your views on discipline, the roles of the children's mothers and fathers, your relationship with the children's mothers and fathers. Or maybe you live in separate places, so now is the time you start talking about possible relocation, or how long you plan to have a relationship from a distance. Start having ALL of those important conversations. Again, the red flags are going to get bigger, so when you see one, take a long hard look and determine what those red flags mean to you, if they are a deal breaker or not. You have to be honest with yourself about what red flags you might be sending up as well...and remember that neither of you are perfect, but that you want someone in your life that you are willing to work through problems with as a team.
3. The Finals
A relationship is a constant growing together...you will never know EVERYTHING about another person. You will have ups and downs and problems. It is how well you get through these problems that matter the most. I skipped to the finals, because what happens inside of your relationship, following all the necessary steps to get to the finals, will determine whether you ever really make it here. I cannot tell you HOW to make it here, only what I have seen, have learned, and believe can take you from Point A, to B, to C...
So what are the finals. Well, each of us has an objective in a relationship, whether that is to find a long term committment, to be married, to start a family, etc. This is the time where you start putting your plan into action to move the relationship from a basic committment to a more defined relationship, if that is what you desire. By your plan, I mean BOTH people's plans. And most people think a plan ENDS when you get the desired result, but it does not. It includes a plan on maintaining that relationship. So, if you have picked your perfect teammate, he is going to work with you to set up a business plan and a life plan...a business plan to handle all of the business parts of a realtionship...finances, children, living, etc. A life plan to determine your day to day living, your emotional, physical, and spiritual needs. If you have picked wrong, he will rely on or defer to you to do all the work...and sit back and reap the benefits of having a hard working, dedicated woman. If you have picked wrong, he won't think this is important, and will just want to "see where things go". If you have picked wrong, he will immediately start retreating from you, because he wanted all the things that came with the long term committment, but he only wanted to go so far with you. If you have picked wrong, your instincts will tell you. It will be up to you to pack up and move on.
And pick better the next time around.
Because the key here, is when you fail to make the #1 Draft Pick...another one will always come along if you are open to it and ready for it!
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
The #1 Draft Pick: The Draft
The #1 Draft Pick: The Bloginar
How to make better choices when it comes to finding a lifetime partner, in other words, how to pick better!
Story:
Adrian
Adrian and I go wayyy back. Adrian is a sweetheart, the kind of person who would do anything for the people she loves. Adrian wears her heart on her sleeve, and is quick to fall in love with a man who she believes is worth it. That is just it though, her "worth it" radar is off. She often gives in to a man well before he has proven his worth, given her a reason to like him, let alone love him. Adrian is successful and smart and beautiful. However, she often finds herself back at the drawing board. She is no fool, so there is no need to rush in. The draft takes time.
2. THE DRAFT
I completely believe that most single women who are ready for a relationship have a skewed idea of what an quality adult man is really like, because they have spent so much time with losers.
Men are not at the club every weekend, unless they own it.
Men are not 35 living at home with their parents, they are not walking (except for exercise purposes), and they are not broke.
Men are not interested in every woman they see.
Men are not sleeping with every woman they come into contact with.
Men have expectations, wants, needs, and feelings just like you do...and they are not afraid to show them and communicate them.
After you get your male radar adjusted, the next step is finding someone who is ELIGIBLE. Now what makes him eligible depends on the woman and what she is looking for. Someone eligible to be with a successful, hard-working, loving, caring, attractive, honest, and independent woman should be a successful, hard-working, loving, caring, attractive, honest, and independent man. Now, that package can come together many different ways, but overall, if that is what you are offering that is what you should be open to. Eligibility is all about what you have to offer to someone. If you are eligible for a certain job, you have the necessary skills to do that kind of job. If you are eligible to be with me, you have to have the necessary skills to be with me. If I am determined, hard-working, goal-oriented, and want to make a mark on the world...a man who thinks that working at McDonald's the rest of his life as fry boy is a lofty goal is probably not going to have the skills to be with me or understand me. He will not understand my drive. He will not quite understand what it takes to meet my professional goals. By the same token, if I am a romantic, loving, and affectionate person, a man who just wants to have sex, get it over with, and move on to the next thing, is not going to have the skills to meet my wants and needs physically and emotionally.
Some women make a list, other's just know what it is that they need in a man. Whatever your method, I think it is very important to be clear about your wants and needs. Hiding them will not EVER get you what you want. It is not necessarily that an eligible man is going to give you all you want and need, but if he is truly worthy of being in the draft, he will at least want to know your wants and needs. Remember, he has to do the work of determining if you are eligible for his time and energy as well. So, he needs to know whether he can provide for you, whether you are someone he would want to put his life on the line to protect, and if he could ever see himself professing his love for you. So take this time to do the same. Are you looking for someone to spend you life with, to create a family with? Does he even have the basics requirements for you to see him in this way? Is this someone you would spend each day appreciating and showing how much you love him? Be honest with yourself...don't make excuses for him, don't give him extra points where he has not earned them. If he hasn't shown you that he has the skills to meet your needs and wants, or at least some of them, he has no real interest in being with you (in coupledom), he only wants to be with you (in the bedroom).
If you notice, you will see that the things that make a man eligible may not be readily apparent at first glance. It may take some time to get to know these things. Most people want to rush into relationships, because they wanna get to the good part. But the good times will be more plentiful and enjoyable if you only invest more TIME in the process.
Timing is everything. It really is. It determines whether you meet or not. It determines how often your paths will cross. It is a measure of quantity...but it is unique in that it is also a measure of quality.
So, you have been dating a man for two weeks, you really dig him, he is all of the things, on the surface, that you have been looking for. You decide that you are ready to embark on a relationship with him, and you speed up the dating process and enter into a relationship. Soon after, you start realizing that he is extremely demanding. He wants to know where you are each minute. He wants your hair a certain way, your skirts a certain length. He tries to limit your phone calls and gets angry when you talk too long or seem to be ignoring him. Now, take the same scenario and add another two months to your dating time...and one night at dinner he comments on how another man is looking at your legs because you skirt is too short, or that because your hair is so curly and beautiful you are commanding too many looks and head-turns. You notice on your next outing, that when your phone rings mid-conversation and you say "Excuse me, this is my mother, I need to take this" he looks at you sternly and asks you, "Must you take that call right now?" You make this your last date as you have correctly determined that he is controlling and rather crazy.
Time is nature's safety latch. It is a cushion, of sorts, allowing you the space and freedom to determine if something should be welcomed into or shunned from your life. It is a natural guard against harm. So, when you fight against it, you lose some of these aides in decision-making. You rob yourself of one of the greatest ways to determine if something is toxic or not. In the previous set of scenarios, the latter used time to its advantage, and when the young lady realized that this man could potentially mean her harm, maybe not physically, but certainly mentally and emotionally, she was able to retreat becasue she gave herself a cushion of time within which to determine if he was eligible for the draft. In the former scenario, that young woman didn't allow herself that cushion, rushed through the draft, and right into a harmful relationship.
Dont' be afraid to take your time. Many times we feel as though if we don't pounce, we will lose our standing. Yet, any man worth is weight is going to see the prize in you, if he is interested in you and sees you as a positive influence in his life. He will not make you nor ask you to rush into anything. In fact, he will want to be as certain that you are right for him as you are about him. Fools rush in.
Lastly, the key to any relationship, romantic or otherwise, that most people save for later mistakenly, is COMMUNICATION. In fact, this will help you figure out if the person is either eligible and worth your time, and if you have put enough time into the pending relationship. There are some key factors that you need to discuss to determine if someone is draft ready.
MARRIAGE: Everyone has some key issues that they want determined before they embark on a relationship. Those basics usually revolve around one thing, marriage. People generally either see a relationship as leading to marriage, or do not want to be married. This is something you need to discuss BEFORE you get into a relationship. Asking a man his views on marriage is not and should not be taboo or some dangerous conversation you need to wait until the five month mark to have. Maybe it's not first date discussion material, but once you have discussed basic things about yourself, wants, and needs...this would follow. If you want to be married, find someone that wants to be married...and you can only do that by talking about it. This is a very important discusssion, but it should not be feared. At the least, it will let you know this person is not for you. At the most, it will open you and him up to many more discussions about the relationship you are preparing to enter.
RELATIONSHIP ZONES: There are five distinct zones in a any relationship: emotional, spiritual, physical, mental, and financial. The physical and the financial tend to be the most controversial, the most important, and the most taboo. However, we make them that way. The fact is, all of these are of equal importance, and should be discussed at length, to determine your boundaries, your expectations, and your feelings surrounding each. I don't mean you sit down and discuss emotions...but for instance, you can talk about how you are going to handle disagreements. Spiritually, you can discuss religion, your lack thereof, beliefs, and faith. Mentally, you can talk about your personalities, how each of you handle certain things and how you can change and become better. Physically, you can discuss intimacy, monogamy, etc. I don't want to dictate what discussions are important to you, only you know that...but the discussions are important and necessary on this side of the relationship...
Once you have tackled these issues, and a man or woman for that matter, has proven him or her self worthy, you are now ready to pick your #1 draft pick. NEXT: PICK YOUR PLAYER!
How to make better choices when it comes to finding a lifetime partner, in other words, how to pick better!
Story:
Adrian
Adrian and I go wayyy back. Adrian is a sweetheart, the kind of person who would do anything for the people she loves. Adrian wears her heart on her sleeve, and is quick to fall in love with a man who she believes is worth it. That is just it though, her "worth it" radar is off. She often gives in to a man well before he has proven his worth, given her a reason to like him, let alone love him. Adrian is successful and smart and beautiful. However, she often finds herself back at the drawing board. She is no fool, so there is no need to rush in. The draft takes time.
2. THE DRAFT
I completely believe that most single women who are ready for a relationship have a skewed idea of what an quality adult man is really like, because they have spent so much time with losers.
Men are not at the club every weekend, unless they own it.
Men are not 35 living at home with their parents, they are not walking (except for exercise purposes), and they are not broke.
Men are not interested in every woman they see.
Men are not sleeping with every woman they come into contact with.
Men have expectations, wants, needs, and feelings just like you do...and they are not afraid to show them and communicate them.
After you get your male radar adjusted, the next step is finding someone who is ELIGIBLE. Now what makes him eligible depends on the woman and what she is looking for. Someone eligible to be with a successful, hard-working, loving, caring, attractive, honest, and independent woman should be a successful, hard-working, loving, caring, attractive, honest, and independent man. Now, that package can come together many different ways, but overall, if that is what you are offering that is what you should be open to. Eligibility is all about what you have to offer to someone. If you are eligible for a certain job, you have the necessary skills to do that kind of job. If you are eligible to be with me, you have to have the necessary skills to be with me. If I am determined, hard-working, goal-oriented, and want to make a mark on the world...a man who thinks that working at McDonald's the rest of his life as fry boy is a lofty goal is probably not going to have the skills to be with me or understand me. He will not understand my drive. He will not quite understand what it takes to meet my professional goals. By the same token, if I am a romantic, loving, and affectionate person, a man who just wants to have sex, get it over with, and move on to the next thing, is not going to have the skills to meet my wants and needs physically and emotionally.
Some women make a list, other's just know what it is that they need in a man. Whatever your method, I think it is very important to be clear about your wants and needs. Hiding them will not EVER get you what you want. It is not necessarily that an eligible man is going to give you all you want and need, but if he is truly worthy of being in the draft, he will at least want to know your wants and needs. Remember, he has to do the work of determining if you are eligible for his time and energy as well. So, he needs to know whether he can provide for you, whether you are someone he would want to put his life on the line to protect, and if he could ever see himself professing his love for you. So take this time to do the same. Are you looking for someone to spend you life with, to create a family with? Does he even have the basics requirements for you to see him in this way? Is this someone you would spend each day appreciating and showing how much you love him? Be honest with yourself...don't make excuses for him, don't give him extra points where he has not earned them. If he hasn't shown you that he has the skills to meet your needs and wants, or at least some of them, he has no real interest in being with you (in coupledom), he only wants to be with you (in the bedroom).
If you notice, you will see that the things that make a man eligible may not be readily apparent at first glance. It may take some time to get to know these things. Most people want to rush into relationships, because they wanna get to the good part. But the good times will be more plentiful and enjoyable if you only invest more TIME in the process.
Timing is everything. It really is. It determines whether you meet or not. It determines how often your paths will cross. It is a measure of quantity...but it is unique in that it is also a measure of quality.
So, you have been dating a man for two weeks, you really dig him, he is all of the things, on the surface, that you have been looking for. You decide that you are ready to embark on a relationship with him, and you speed up the dating process and enter into a relationship. Soon after, you start realizing that he is extremely demanding. He wants to know where you are each minute. He wants your hair a certain way, your skirts a certain length. He tries to limit your phone calls and gets angry when you talk too long or seem to be ignoring him. Now, take the same scenario and add another two months to your dating time...and one night at dinner he comments on how another man is looking at your legs because you skirt is too short, or that because your hair is so curly and beautiful you are commanding too many looks and head-turns. You notice on your next outing, that when your phone rings mid-conversation and you say "Excuse me, this is my mother, I need to take this" he looks at you sternly and asks you, "Must you take that call right now?" You make this your last date as you have correctly determined that he is controlling and rather crazy.
Time is nature's safety latch. It is a cushion, of sorts, allowing you the space and freedom to determine if something should be welcomed into or shunned from your life. It is a natural guard against harm. So, when you fight against it, you lose some of these aides in decision-making. You rob yourself of one of the greatest ways to determine if something is toxic or not. In the previous set of scenarios, the latter used time to its advantage, and when the young lady realized that this man could potentially mean her harm, maybe not physically, but certainly mentally and emotionally, she was able to retreat becasue she gave herself a cushion of time within which to determine if he was eligible for the draft. In the former scenario, that young woman didn't allow herself that cushion, rushed through the draft, and right into a harmful relationship.
Dont' be afraid to take your time. Many times we feel as though if we don't pounce, we will lose our standing. Yet, any man worth is weight is going to see the prize in you, if he is interested in you and sees you as a positive influence in his life. He will not make you nor ask you to rush into anything. In fact, he will want to be as certain that you are right for him as you are about him. Fools rush in.
Lastly, the key to any relationship, romantic or otherwise, that most people save for later mistakenly, is COMMUNICATION. In fact, this will help you figure out if the person is either eligible and worth your time, and if you have put enough time into the pending relationship. There are some key factors that you need to discuss to determine if someone is draft ready.
MARRIAGE: Everyone has some key issues that they want determined before they embark on a relationship. Those basics usually revolve around one thing, marriage. People generally either see a relationship as leading to marriage, or do not want to be married. This is something you need to discuss BEFORE you get into a relationship. Asking a man his views on marriage is not and should not be taboo or some dangerous conversation you need to wait until the five month mark to have. Maybe it's not first date discussion material, but once you have discussed basic things about yourself, wants, and needs...this would follow. If you want to be married, find someone that wants to be married...and you can only do that by talking about it. This is a very important discusssion, but it should not be feared. At the least, it will let you know this person is not for you. At the most, it will open you and him up to many more discussions about the relationship you are preparing to enter.
RELATIONSHIP ZONES: There are five distinct zones in a any relationship: emotional, spiritual, physical, mental, and financial. The physical and the financial tend to be the most controversial, the most important, and the most taboo. However, we make them that way. The fact is, all of these are of equal importance, and should be discussed at length, to determine your boundaries, your expectations, and your feelings surrounding each. I don't mean you sit down and discuss emotions...but for instance, you can talk about how you are going to handle disagreements. Spiritually, you can discuss religion, your lack thereof, beliefs, and faith. Mentally, you can talk about your personalities, how each of you handle certain things and how you can change and become better. Physically, you can discuss intimacy, monogamy, etc. I don't want to dictate what discussions are important to you, only you know that...but the discussions are important and necessary on this side of the relationship...
Once you have tackled these issues, and a man or woman for that matter, has proven him or her self worthy, you are now ready to pick your #1 draft pick. NEXT: PICK YOUR PLAYER!
Friday, October 15, 2010
The #1 Draft Pick: Getting Ready
The end of a relationship does not signify that it was a bad relationship or an unsuccessful one.
Relationships are not all made the same...I am sure you have heard it before: a reason, a season, a lifetime.
Well, I knew I had gotten to the end of my reasons and seasons and wanted a lifetime mate. But wanting is a desire, not a state of being...and I wanted to BE READY for my lifetime mate. That being said, I realized that just like when we make any other choices in life, we usually have a set of dos and donts, pros and cons, yea or nays...and I thought, hmmmmm...I wanted to be prepared when the opportunity presented itself.
So, a friend of mine, with whom I share many of my newfound life discoveries told me I needed to make this into a seminar. So...since this is one in a series of many, I figured I would start this online, a bloginar. So here goes:
The #1 Draft Pick: The Bloginar
How to make better choices when it comes to finding a lifetime partner, in other words, how to pick better!
Story:
Deanna
Deanna is a friend of mine, and she is my relationship idol. She has always been really strong in her faith, and stood true to her beliefs. I would listen to her talk about what she wanted in a husband and mate since we were in high school...and I swear, she spoke him into her life. When he appeared, she was ready...and everything else seemed to fall into place. By no means am I suggesting her relationship is perfect, but it is successful.
1. GETTING READY
Before you go out on Friday night, you get all fancy, go to the salon, get a new outfit, walk around in your shoes so they don't destroy your feet. So when your ride picks you up, you are at your best. Well, the same kind of planning and preparation needs to go into yourself when you are preparing for your lifetime mate.
Emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually you need to come into the situation with a firm understanding of who you are and what your boundaries are...period.
Many of us, men and women, bring our past relationships into our present one, and that is simply because we have not gotten over the hurt, the pain, the confusion, the misunderstanding, or the loss of that partner. You have to have worked through that and moved past it in order to enter into another relationship and expect it to be successful. Most people JUMP into something new in order to get their minds off of the past or to get over the past. That does not, I repeat, that DOES NOT work. Another man cannot help a woman get over her old man...he only brings more confusion into her emotional zone. You now have these two people in your emotional zone that are vying for contention. The happiness the new person brings and the sadness the memories of the past provoke eventually meld into one, and you either misrepresent the new man in your mind, placing him on a pedestal he has not earned; drive the new man away with your confusion; or move into a new relationship that will always be defined by what happened in the past (you get angry at anything the new man does that reminds you of the past, you project the past's motives, perspective, and thoughts onto the new man, etc.). All three are bad!
So take time to work on getting over whatever emotions you have left over from the past.
Mentally, you have to basically understand that the NEW does not equal the OLD. It goes back to the emotional displacement. You have to be able to correctly categorize whether your reactions to the new man's ways, behaviors, words, etc. are based on HIS ways, behaviors, words, etc. or something that happened in the past. You also have to have a set of boundaries that you will enforce and stick to, and allow to guide you through the important decisions you make in your relationship.
Spiritually, it is very important to have faith. I am not speaking in biblical or religious terms necessarily, but they definitely fit here. It is all about what power you have faith in, and how you use that in your life. If you have faith in, for example, God, you will have a set of beliefs that dictate to you how you should behave in a relationship. If you believe in the concept of love, you will have a set of beliefs about what the power of love can do for you, for your life, and for your relationship...and how you use love to work through your difficulties. When you and your potential mate share these beliefs, it makes for an even stronger connection. But since we are focusing on self right now, the objective is to be very faithful to your beliefs.
Physically, you just need to make certain that you are happy with yourself, your image, your looks, your level of health, etc. so that you don't project your negative image on yourself onto him. It is unattractive and a big turn off! Furthermore, whatever your sexual boundaries are, you need to be prepared to enforce those and stick to them, because this is often the biggest sign of weakness to a potential mate about your level of readiness. When you are unable to enforce your sexual ideals, it is often becasue you are insecure, unsure, and stuck in the past.
So, getting ready for bed, for work, for the club...you have all these rituals and things that you do in order to make sure you get your desired result...do the same when preparing yourself for a mate.
"I'm ready, yes I'm ready to love you, forever!"
Song of the Day: I'm Ready
Relationships are not all made the same...I am sure you have heard it before: a reason, a season, a lifetime.
Well, I knew I had gotten to the end of my reasons and seasons and wanted a lifetime mate. But wanting is a desire, not a state of being...and I wanted to BE READY for my lifetime mate. That being said, I realized that just like when we make any other choices in life, we usually have a set of dos and donts, pros and cons, yea or nays...and I thought, hmmmmm...I wanted to be prepared when the opportunity presented itself.
So, a friend of mine, with whom I share many of my newfound life discoveries told me I needed to make this into a seminar. So...since this is one in a series of many, I figured I would start this online, a bloginar. So here goes:
The #1 Draft Pick: The Bloginar
How to make better choices when it comes to finding a lifetime partner, in other words, how to pick better!
Story:
Deanna
Deanna is a friend of mine, and she is my relationship idol. She has always been really strong in her faith, and stood true to her beliefs. I would listen to her talk about what she wanted in a husband and mate since we were in high school...and I swear, she spoke him into her life. When he appeared, she was ready...and everything else seemed to fall into place. By no means am I suggesting her relationship is perfect, but it is successful.
1. GETTING READY
Before you go out on Friday night, you get all fancy, go to the salon, get a new outfit, walk around in your shoes so they don't destroy your feet. So when your ride picks you up, you are at your best. Well, the same kind of planning and preparation needs to go into yourself when you are preparing for your lifetime mate.
Emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually you need to come into the situation with a firm understanding of who you are and what your boundaries are...period.
Many of us, men and women, bring our past relationships into our present one, and that is simply because we have not gotten over the hurt, the pain, the confusion, the misunderstanding, or the loss of that partner. You have to have worked through that and moved past it in order to enter into another relationship and expect it to be successful. Most people JUMP into something new in order to get their minds off of the past or to get over the past. That does not, I repeat, that DOES NOT work. Another man cannot help a woman get over her old man...he only brings more confusion into her emotional zone. You now have these two people in your emotional zone that are vying for contention. The happiness the new person brings and the sadness the memories of the past provoke eventually meld into one, and you either misrepresent the new man in your mind, placing him on a pedestal he has not earned; drive the new man away with your confusion; or move into a new relationship that will always be defined by what happened in the past (you get angry at anything the new man does that reminds you of the past, you project the past's motives, perspective, and thoughts onto the new man, etc.). All three are bad!
So take time to work on getting over whatever emotions you have left over from the past.
Mentally, you have to basically understand that the NEW does not equal the OLD. It goes back to the emotional displacement. You have to be able to correctly categorize whether your reactions to the new man's ways, behaviors, words, etc. are based on HIS ways, behaviors, words, etc. or something that happened in the past. You also have to have a set of boundaries that you will enforce and stick to, and allow to guide you through the important decisions you make in your relationship.
Spiritually, it is very important to have faith. I am not speaking in biblical or religious terms necessarily, but they definitely fit here. It is all about what power you have faith in, and how you use that in your life. If you have faith in, for example, God, you will have a set of beliefs that dictate to you how you should behave in a relationship. If you believe in the concept of love, you will have a set of beliefs about what the power of love can do for you, for your life, and for your relationship...and how you use love to work through your difficulties. When you and your potential mate share these beliefs, it makes for an even stronger connection. But since we are focusing on self right now, the objective is to be very faithful to your beliefs.
Physically, you just need to make certain that you are happy with yourself, your image, your looks, your level of health, etc. so that you don't project your negative image on yourself onto him. It is unattractive and a big turn off! Furthermore, whatever your sexual boundaries are, you need to be prepared to enforce those and stick to them, because this is often the biggest sign of weakness to a potential mate about your level of readiness. When you are unable to enforce your sexual ideals, it is often becasue you are insecure, unsure, and stuck in the past.
So, getting ready for bed, for work, for the club...you have all these rituals and things that you do in order to make sure you get your desired result...do the same when preparing yourself for a mate.
"I'm ready, yes I'm ready to love you, forever!"
Song of the Day: I'm Ready
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