Great Expectations

"But I've got to know
Body and soul
That you've got no doubt
inside and out
We are whole"
Body and Soul-Anita Baker

We sometimes focus so much on the physical side of relationships, we forget that there are major factors that come into the play that have nothing to do with sex.   When you get caught up in the whirlwind of a sexual relationship, especially when you have been lonely or feeling down, it can elevate you to a level above reality.  The key is to bring yourself down long enough to discuss with someone those key things that make a relationship sustainable outside of and including the physical. 

Someone really smart once told me that there are four areas that he thinks are necessarily to discuss with someone...and he schooled me a little bit.  So let me in turn school you. 

1.  Emotional-For most women, the emotional and the physical go hand in hand.  This is not so often true for men.  Men can compartmentalize sex in a way that women generally cannot.  The way a man feels about you is one thing, his connection with your sexually is another.  They do intersect, but they are not one in the same.  For a man, the key emotional issues is that he feels appreciated and wanted.  It seems to simple to be true, but it is true...ask any man.  For women, we have a laundry list of emotional needs...but if we break those down, they generally consist of  feeling desired, safe, protected, and loved unconditionally.  Not at all very different from what men want.  We all, in general, want to be loved by someone and know that they want us in their lives and are happy we are in their lives.  We make this known through our actions, but learning what each other likes, wants, and needs, and attempting to fill the person's life with those things. 

2.  Mental-Communication is the one thing that ruins most relationships.  It is the lack thereof that causes a breakdown of trust and openness.  When you are in constant dialogue with someone, you are constantly opening yourself up by revealing parts of yourself to them.  You are also providing and getting the feedback you need to start to trust the person.  In addition to communication, another key component of a mental relationship is how well you match up intellectually.  This has nothing to do with your job, your salary, or any matieral issue...but instead, how well you connect on issues that are important to you.  That you both are on the same page concerning the business aspects of your relationship (finances, children, etc.).  You both bring something to the table that is going to help make you a better unit.  And knowledge that if one of you is weak, the other person is strong enough to take over temporarily. 

3.  Spiritual-Now this is not the same as religious.  It does not mean that you both go to church every Sunday, unless that is something you have both discussed is important in your lives.  What is does mean is that you both have some fundamental similarities in terms of your spiritual selves.  You both believe in God, in a higher power, or in something other than yourselves.  You have a similar set of beliefs about the world, your place in it, and how you are guided through the world.  You have to be open to discuss your attitudes about what role religion, if any, plays in your lives and how you will express your spritiual beliefs. 

4.  Physical-Most people get down to the actual behavior before they ever discuss the place this will have in their relationship.  Their expectations, their wants, their ideas, and responsibility.  It is important to discuss these things BEFORE you embark on a physical relationship, because as we all know, this is the one area that can take you from  First Base to a Home Run in a matter of minutes.  It is important to discuss exclusivitiy, committment, trust, and yes, protection, when you are having a sexual relationship with someone.  Talking about these things will actually remove alot of the questions in your mind, and make for a better and less stressful experience with your mate. 

So make a date to sit down and talk...making your wants, needs, and expectations known is only going to give you more time to enjoy each other! 

The Point of It All

...is I love you.

I recall hearing someone say that because they loved someone they were going to marry them.  I recall hearing many people say that, including myself.  I am here to tell you, marriage is not about love.

Marriage is a human contract, between two people to unite themselves spiritually, physically, and financially.  The emotional part, that most often comes before.  You already love the person, you have loved the person for year or months or weeks.  You care for them, have their best interests at heart, share your lives and experiences.  However, the decision to get married is about taking that romantic relationship to another level...they call it "another level" for a reason.

Take the romantic notions of the WEDDING out of your head, and concentrate on the daily work of marriage, and it is work, daily.  It is about making financial decisions, child-rearing decisions, personal decision, decisions about the home, work, cars, insurance, I could go on and on.  The love will change and grow and mellow out over the years, but the work is constant, constantly hard work.  Part of the problem is that we spend SO MUCH time talking about how much we love each other before we marry, and not enough time figuring out how we are going to handle our marriage, the business of the marriage.
Yardwork, cleaning, bills, kids, saving, vacations.  Those simple things we overlook, we never discuss. So Suzy finds herself constantly angry because Billy misses taking the trash out every Monday, because he is watching football.  Billy is upset because Suzy is not stern with their son and lets him get away with murder, and throws a fit when Billy punishes him.  Billy believes that because he makes more, he can spend more.  Suzy believes that he work as a parent is just as important, and she should have equal rights where the finances are concerned.

These people, like so many others didn't discuss the business of marriage, and find themselves not honoring
the contract they made, not working as a unit, not being equitable, respecting each other, communicating their problems, and being dedicated to working them out.  Billy and Suzy, like so many of us, thought that as long as they had a good sex life, the bills were paid, and their mother-in-laws stayed to themselves, that they would have the perfect marriage.  Marriage, takes hard work.  It takes a dedication to making it work.  It takes the realization that love is beautiful and wonderful and a part of a marriage, but by no means the whole kit and kaboodle.  Marriage is just like Microsoft, when the budget is met, when the workers are paid a fair wage for their work, when everyone pulls their weight, there is one head of the company, everyone knows their part, and shows up...u can take over the world.

Song of the Day: The Point of it All by Anthony Hamilton

Making Sense of it All

I think I tasted love today
I kissed the sweetness of your lips
U made my tastebuds do flips
Somersalted bitter splits, a sweet and sour eclipse

I think I felt love today
Hard as steel, smooth on my skin
Where the rough ends and soft begins
Thick cottony clouds of love worn thin

I think I heard love today
Beats like bass with treble tones
Acoustic guitars and deep trombones
Make a blues and funk love jones

I think I smelled love today
Wafts of buttery boulangerie delights
Stimulate my appetite
I want to taste and take a bite!

If he or she cannot make you feel like this, most of the time, get further. 

Something to See

The wonder of a child is amazing...

I have been in love and out of love.  I have loved and lost.  But I have never had the feeling I have for my child for anyone else ever, and I never will.  He is this miraculous gift, an expression of love, a small person with his own unique personality, ways of thinking, mind, and heart.  He is different from me in as many ways as he is like me. 
He is friendly, loves people, a free spirit, simple, and patient. 
He loves music, dancing, love, he is passionate and he is smart. 

I can look at his beautiful face, all day long.  I am amazed at how fast he learns things.  I am amazed at how fast he grows.  He is a joy and a beauty to behold. 
I love my son...I will always be in complete and utter love with him. 
Love your children, be at your best for them, so they can be better than you! 

"I see your picture, your name in lights above it..."

Song of the Day" Peg by Steely Dan

When the Money Goes

" When the money goes, will the honey stay, will the gray clouds replace the sunny days?"

I could beat around the bush, but it is typically not my style. 
So, in a nutshell, the answer to the above question, is  yes. 

Love is an emotion and an action, it is about being shown you are loved, being told, and being secure in that.  It is a wonderful feeling that can be tainted by bad behaviour and unfortunate circumstances. 
Love is definitely affected by the outside world, as you cannot love someone in a box. 
Love is affected by faithfulness,  affection, attention, communication, trust...I could go on... but it is extremely rooted in stability...

Men tend to want the stablility of not being left, of a woman standing beside him through anything life throws their way.  Women tend to want the stability of being cared for and protected.  Such different expectations of a relationship, often lead to different expectations in those roots of love.  And when a man goes from being a provider to a boarder...it changes things. 

Money is a commodity, it is a bartering tool.  The more money you have, the more power you have in the world of goods and services.  We need some of these goods and services to live...food, water, shelther, clothes...and some of those goods and services are expendable, but maintain a level of comfort, luxury, or stability.  For example, if monthly you pay to get your lawn manicured, go to the spa, for a fitness membership, a maid every two weeks, and a babysitter on your monthly date night...and suddenly you don't have the means to do those things, it is going to put a small stress on your relationship.  Expand that to not being able to pay the utilities, bigger strain...the mortgage, even bigger...food, a nightmare.  Will the love still be good, probably not.  A man that is unable, at his most meager, to help keep a roof over my head and food in the refrigerator is not adding, but subtracting from my life.  What love has he earned?  What honey would stay?

I would never simply leave someone because he has fallen on bad times, as I would not want anyone to treat me the same.  However, it is one thing to be having a bad moment, and another to be displaying a lack of motivation and a basic understanding of necessities.  As wonderful as love is, it is does pay for anything, it cannot be given to the gas man when he comes to turn off the meter, as a promissory note. 

Make sure you find yourself, a hustler...not in the street sense of the term, but a man who is going to provide, no matter what...if he has to sell lemons on the side of the street, put up a tent and draw pictures at the local fair, or stick out a little leg (I am kidding)...he is going to make sure that you are taken care of, and that the honey stays. 

Song of the Day:  Upgrade You by Beyonce

One More Chance

"If I stumble if I fall, just help me back."

We all make mistakes.  Some of our mistakes are forgivable, and some...well...heinous crimes!
For every action there is a reaction, that you cannot control, and once you make a mistake, the next move is on the other player.  So, what happens when you are on the giving or the receiving end of that mistake, and you want another chance...

How many times has she said something hurtful?  How many times did he say he would call and did not?  Or what about the time she just never showed up, or he forgot your birthday?
In your heart, you want to forgive, but your head is telling you that someone who cares for you just would not do certain things.  And both your head and your heart are correct.  Forgiveness is important, much more important for you than for them.  However, forgiving someone and allowing or accepting the behavior are not one in the same.  Your head is telling you to make sure they understand that this behavior is not going to be tolerated...or, if this is say, their tenth time doing the same shit over and over, then your head is telling you to stop, look and listen before you get run over by the run away train called Jerk.
Whatever the case, it is key, to take stock of your expectations and your wants, and decide if it is a mistake that can simply be solved by an apology, or if this time, you are going to need some time to make sure they don't think you are a pushover!

Likewise, just as you have been on the receiving end, you have given your fair share too.  I know I have.
When you are the one giving your mate the flux, you have to own up to it, apologize, and assure them that you are not going to continue the same foolish crap.  It is not that easy though.  The real test, is honoring your word.  If you make the assurance, stick to it.  Learn from the way your partner felt, and if you don't want to find yourself partner LESS it might be a good idea to decide to never, purposely, make them feel that way again.  If you continue to do the same stupid stuff over and over, you are purposely hurting them...so stop making those same mistakes.    Also important:  Take stock of those things that you do, like a laundry list, and discard those negative behaviors from your repertoire.  When you see yourself moving towards to acting in those less than desirable ways, punish yourself before you even start.   Could be as simple as making yourself work out a few extra minutes, or it could be one extra date when instead of going dutch, you have to pay.  Bet you will start rethinking those silly mistakes then...when it hits you in the pockets.

Whatever the case, remember that we all are human and subject to a faux pas every now and then!!!


Song of the Day: One More Night by Phil Collins

Reborn

U awakened me from the dead
Breathed air into my lungs
Cured the rigor mortis
Life has just begun

U got my neurons to fire
Gave my heart a shock
I got feeling in my toes
Suddenly its not so dark

U gave me resuscitation
I no longer feel the pain
Turned my switch to on
I'm calling out your name

U gave me all your love
Cured my broken heart
Yet u were always there
In my heart from the start.

Song of the Day: My Heart Will Go On-Celine Dion

My First Love

Long as I live, you will always be, my first love...

MUSIC!

I love music, just as long as its groovin...
Okay, enough already, but I love music.

I have been having this love affair since I can remember.
There is a picture of me in a blue and red jumpsuit, holding an LP, an album, yes, they had those
when I was a kid, ready for someone to play my song...and I would dance.
I would dance anywhere, anytime, in front of anyone...because that is what you do, when you love music.
You are moved by it emotionally, physically, it moves something in your spirit in your soul.

Ever heard the words...

"Love has, truly, been good to me..."

And it just made your heart open up like a rose in bloom.

Or...

"About a half a mile from heaven, you dropped me back down to this cold, cold world..."

When someone has just torn your heart in two...

It is like Luther and Stevie were talking to you, like they knew your pain, like they had written and sang that song, just for you.

Music is powerful, it is universal, it is beautiful, and it is magical.

I remember hearing the song "Beautiful" by Christina Aguilera...not necessarily one of my favorite singers...and I cried.  I was having a time in my life, where I felt insecure, I felt alone, I cannot recall now if it was at the hands of some fool boy or I was just having a moment...but everytime I heard that song, it made me feel better about myself.  I started to sing it to myself...as I went to sleep...and even though my voice is nowhere near as beautiful as hers...it wasn't the sound, it was the meaning, the feeling behind the words, that took me to another place.  A place where I felt safe and secure.
I don't think anyone ever knew I loved that song...but each time I hear it, even now...it awakens something in me, and it makes me feel whole.

I love music...

In college, I was in love with Mary J. Blige, and I recall hearing "Deep Inside" for the first time, and recalling that piano melody I had heard many times before...ELTON JOHN!  I ran out the next day and bought Goodbye Yellow Brick Road, the album "Bennie and the Jets" was on...and playing it nonstop in my college apartment.  It was something about the piano in that song, it reminded me of some tripped out movie..."She's got electric boots a mohair suit"... I played that song each and every day for weeks, and I danced around my small room in my underwear in a trance.  I would listen to it, and feel like I could accomplish anything, once writing a 20 page paper in just a few hours, that song playing fanatically in the background.  Each time I hear it, it takes me back to those days, and I just wanna dance around in my underwear in a trance.

I love music...

I have similar stories about Peg by Steely Dan, Clocks by Coldplay, American Dreamin by Jay-Z, and Lovin is Really My Game by Brainstorm.  I remember my life in music...when I fell head over heels in love with hip hop the first time I heard Beats to the Rhyme by Run DMC...the first time I ever danced with a boy to Always by Atlantic Starr...
 
I love music...



Song of the Day: My First Love-Rene and Angela

Brokenhearted

"Only brokenhearted, life's not over..."

As much as you HATE to hear stuff like this when your heart has just been gouged open with a machete...it is still the truth.

Heartbreak is a part of life. I for one, have had my heart broken many times..more than I care to remember, in fact.  As devastating and gut wrenching an experience it is, the fact is that, your first heartbreak won't seem as bad as your second, and your second as bad as your third.  Heartbreak, is in the moment.  It is worse when you are living in the middle of it...and the farther away from it you get, the easier it becomes to sleep without what seemed to be the requisite tears, to smile again, to feel human again, to realize that your life, is not in fact, over.

I am smack dab in the middle of heartbreak...unfortunately, mine has lasted a bit longer this time than in times past.  I am at the point of heartbreak where my heart is starting to mend itself, although every now and then I hear a crack or two, a reminder of that once intense feeling that someone had punched me in the stomach; that my life, as I had know it, had been one big lie; that I would never love or want to love again; and that I was so alone, I needed my own version of "Wilson" to keep me company.

Although the mountain is extremely high and there are so many landslides along the way, you think you will never be able to rough the terrain, there is life on the other side of heartbreak.  I, for one, have seen glimpses of my life in the future...and while I once thought I would never want to hear the word love...I now know that love is not the reason for my heartbreak.

As hard as it is to see past heartbreak, the one thing that I have learned, that allows me to keep pushing through it is this...being hurt by someone you love is never about love, it is always about fear.
I refuse to let fear, be it my own or someone else's, control any second of my life.  I refuse to allow it to play a part in the decisions I make about my future.  I refuse to give it any power...
So in that spirit, I will allow heartbreak to run its course, but at the end of its run...I will love again.

"Love, for better or worse, I still will choose you first"

Song of the Day: Love by Musiq Soulchild

Love Is Not Made in Words...

I don't profess to know all there is to know about love...
I am just 33 years old...I have had a few serious boyfriends, and I am currently married, but other than that, I am no expert on the subject.  However, one does not have to be an expert to be able to share her opinions.
And let me tell you, I can say with certainty that LOVE IS NOT MADE IN WORDS!

An Ethiopian Proverb says: Coffee and love taste best when hot.  And I would have to agree with those wise Ethiopians.  Love is an action and a reaction.  Love is an emotion and a passion.  Love is not about telling someone you love them, it is about showing them.  How lukewarm is it to hear "I love you" without a kiss or a hug or a touch.  It is a nice thing to hear, don't get me wrong.  But words, while powerful, when it comes to love, are never enough. 

Women often love with their whole beings...every limb, every blood cell, every sense is involved.  We can taste, touch, feel, see, and hear love...it is much like a symphony for our ears or the juicy pop of a blackberry upon our tongues.  While I a not a man, it seems, that men love in a mix of emotions and physicality...a desire for you physically teamed with a fragile need to feel needed and wanted by you.  No matter how you qualify it, love is a connection, that is only as strong as you make it.   When we come together to build a relationship, we must bring with us, all of that passion, that emotion, that intimacy, and through those, show the other person how much you care for them.  And when someone who loves you with action speaks his or her love to you, you don't just merely hear it, you feel it. 

I am reminded of something someone once told me:
"Men love to eat, they need to eat, they have to eat, but if a man loves you, and it is between you and the biggest, juiciest hamburger after he has not eaten for a week, he will always choose you."
...now that, that is love!

Song of the Day: Love is Not Made in Words by Deborah Cox