The end of a relationship does not signify that it was a bad relationship or an unsuccessful one.
Relationships are not all made the same...I am sure you have heard it before: a reason, a season, a lifetime.
Well, I knew I had gotten to the end of my reasons and seasons and wanted a lifetime mate. But wanting is a desire, not a state of being...and I wanted to BE READY for my lifetime mate. That being said, I realized that just like when we make any other choices in life, we usually have a set of dos and donts, pros and cons, yea or nays...and I thought, hmmmmm...I wanted to be prepared when the opportunity presented itself.
So, a friend of mine, with whom I share many of my newfound life discoveries told me I needed to make this into a seminar. So...since this is one in a series of many, I figured I would start this online, a bloginar. So here goes:
The #1 Draft Pick: The Bloginar
How to make better choices when it comes to finding a lifetime partner, in other words, how to pick better!
Story:
Deanna
Deanna is a friend of mine, and she is my relationship idol. She has always been really strong in her faith, and stood true to her beliefs. I would listen to her talk about what she wanted in a husband and mate since we were in high school...and I swear, she spoke him into her life. When he appeared, she was ready...and everything else seemed to fall into place. By no means am I suggesting her relationship is perfect, but it is successful.
1. GETTING READY
Before you go out on Friday night, you get all fancy, go to the salon, get a new outfit, walk around in your shoes so they don't destroy your feet. So when your ride picks you up, you are at your best. Well, the same kind of planning and preparation needs to go into yourself when you are preparing for your lifetime mate.
Emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually you need to come into the situation with a firm understanding of who you are and what your boundaries are...period.
Many of us, men and women, bring our past relationships into our present one, and that is simply because we have not gotten over the hurt, the pain, the confusion, the misunderstanding, or the loss of that partner. You have to have worked through that and moved past it in order to enter into another relationship and expect it to be successful. Most people JUMP into something new in order to get their minds off of the past or to get over the past. That does not, I repeat, that DOES NOT work. Another man cannot help a woman get over her old man...he only brings more confusion into her emotional zone. You now have these two people in your emotional zone that are vying for contention. The happiness the new person brings and the sadness the memories of the past provoke eventually meld into one, and you either misrepresent the new man in your mind, placing him on a pedestal he has not earned; drive the new man away with your confusion; or move into a new relationship that will always be defined by what happened in the past (you get angry at anything the new man does that reminds you of the past, you project the past's motives, perspective, and thoughts onto the new man, etc.). All three are bad!
So take time to work on getting over whatever emotions you have left over from the past.
Mentally, you have to basically understand that the NEW does not equal the OLD. It goes back to the emotional displacement. You have to be able to correctly categorize whether your reactions to the new man's ways, behaviors, words, etc. are based on HIS ways, behaviors, words, etc. or something that happened in the past. You also have to have a set of boundaries that you will enforce and stick to, and allow to guide you through the important decisions you make in your relationship.
Spiritually, it is very important to have faith. I am not speaking in biblical or religious terms necessarily, but they definitely fit here. It is all about what power you have faith in, and how you use that in your life. If you have faith in, for example, God, you will have a set of beliefs that dictate to you how you should behave in a relationship. If you believe in the concept of love, you will have a set of beliefs about what the power of love can do for you, for your life, and for your relationship...and how you use love to work through your difficulties. When you and your potential mate share these beliefs, it makes for an even stronger connection. But since we are focusing on self right now, the objective is to be very faithful to your beliefs.
Physically, you just need to make certain that you are happy with yourself, your image, your looks, your level of health, etc. so that you don't project your negative image on yourself onto him. It is unattractive and a big turn off! Furthermore, whatever your sexual boundaries are, you need to be prepared to enforce those and stick to them, because this is often the biggest sign of weakness to a potential mate about your level of readiness. When you are unable to enforce your sexual ideals, it is often becasue you are insecure, unsure, and stuck in the past.
So, getting ready for bed, for work, for the club...you have all these rituals and things that you do in order to make sure you get your desired result...do the same when preparing yourself for a mate.
"I'm ready, yes I'm ready to love you, forever!"
Song of the Day: I'm Ready
Friday, October 15, 2010
Friday, October 1, 2010
I Hope You Dance
"I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance ..."
A young lady that I know, not well, but know, has always struck me as this powerful force, and I wondered if she had any idea how powerful and commanding and PRESENT she always seemed to be. I saw her online yesterday, and decided to send her a short note, to let her know that I had this on my heart and wanted her to know that she was inspiring and powerful, and to never fear being herself.
Anyhow, I let her know...and I was amazed that she told me she had been feeling mistreated and unappreciated, and that while she was natuarally positive, she had begun to feel like maybe she was givign too much of herself.
I assured her, and I believe, although I am human and not always in an emotional or mental place to put it in practice, that the way to combat hate, dishonesty, mistreatment, or any other disturbing behavior someone exhibits towards you is by showing them love, decency, and positivity. That is not the same as being weak, as being a doormat, or as being passive...it is just the opposite. It is showing strength, courage, and aggressiveness. It is a positive reaction, but a reaction nonetheless.
It is hard to be one's true self sometimes. It is hard to really stay present and live in the moment. There are some of us who just seem to always be living in sync with our pulse...alive and aware at every moment. Fully engaged in life. I wanted this young woman to know that I saw that in her...that God had helped me recognize that in her, and that I felt it was important to share. So often we get so caught up in our own problems, attitudes, and reality that we forget to acknowledge those around us who manage to somehow shine their light on everyone, no matter what is going on in their lives.
Take time out to do the things that count, to tell people how they have affected you, what they mean to you, and remind them to dance!
Never settle for the path of least resistance ..."
A young lady that I know, not well, but know, has always struck me as this powerful force, and I wondered if she had any idea how powerful and commanding and PRESENT she always seemed to be. I saw her online yesterday, and decided to send her a short note, to let her know that I had this on my heart and wanted her to know that she was inspiring and powerful, and to never fear being herself.
Anyhow, I let her know...and I was amazed that she told me she had been feeling mistreated and unappreciated, and that while she was natuarally positive, she had begun to feel like maybe she was givign too much of herself.
I assured her, and I believe, although I am human and not always in an emotional or mental place to put it in practice, that the way to combat hate, dishonesty, mistreatment, or any other disturbing behavior someone exhibits towards you is by showing them love, decency, and positivity. That is not the same as being weak, as being a doormat, or as being passive...it is just the opposite. It is showing strength, courage, and aggressiveness. It is a positive reaction, but a reaction nonetheless.
It is hard to be one's true self sometimes. It is hard to really stay present and live in the moment. There are some of us who just seem to always be living in sync with our pulse...alive and aware at every moment. Fully engaged in life. I wanted this young woman to know that I saw that in her...that God had helped me recognize that in her, and that I felt it was important to share. So often we get so caught up in our own problems, attitudes, and reality that we forget to acknowledge those around us who manage to somehow shine their light on everyone, no matter what is going on in their lives.
Take time out to do the things that count, to tell people how they have affected you, what they mean to you, and remind them to dance!
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Great Expectations
"But I've got to know
Body and soul
That you've got no doubt
inside and out
We are whole"
Body and Soul-Anita Baker
We sometimes focus so much on the physical side of relationships, we forget that there are major factors that come into the play that have nothing to do with sex. When you get caught up in the whirlwind of a sexual relationship, especially when you have been lonely or feeling down, it can elevate you to a level above reality. The key is to bring yourself down long enough to discuss with someone those key things that make a relationship sustainable outside of and including the physical.
Someone really smart once told me that there are four areas that he thinks are necessarily to discuss with someone...and he schooled me a little bit. So let me in turn school you.
1. Emotional-For most women, the emotional and the physical go hand in hand. This is not so often true for men. Men can compartmentalize sex in a way that women generally cannot. The way a man feels about you is one thing, his connection with your sexually is another. They do intersect, but they are not one in the same. For a man, the key emotional issues is that he feels appreciated and wanted. It seems to simple to be true, but it is true...ask any man. For women, we have a laundry list of emotional needs...but if we break those down, they generally consist of feeling desired, safe, protected, and loved unconditionally. Not at all very different from what men want. We all, in general, want to be loved by someone and know that they want us in their lives and are happy we are in their lives. We make this known through our actions, but learning what each other likes, wants, and needs, and attempting to fill the person's life with those things.
2. Mental-Communication is the one thing that ruins most relationships. It is the lack thereof that causes a breakdown of trust and openness. When you are in constant dialogue with someone, you are constantly opening yourself up by revealing parts of yourself to them. You are also providing and getting the feedback you need to start to trust the person. In addition to communication, another key component of a mental relationship is how well you match up intellectually. This has nothing to do with your job, your salary, or any matieral issue...but instead, how well you connect on issues that are important to you. That you both are on the same page concerning the business aspects of your relationship (finances, children, etc.). You both bring something to the table that is going to help make you a better unit. And knowledge that if one of you is weak, the other person is strong enough to take over temporarily.
3. Spiritual-Now this is not the same as religious. It does not mean that you both go to church every Sunday, unless that is something you have both discussed is important in your lives. What is does mean is that you both have some fundamental similarities in terms of your spiritual selves. You both believe in God, in a higher power, or in something other than yourselves. You have a similar set of beliefs about the world, your place in it, and how you are guided through the world. You have to be open to discuss your attitudes about what role religion, if any, plays in your lives and how you will express your spritiual beliefs.
4. Physical-Most people get down to the actual behavior before they ever discuss the place this will have in their relationship. Their expectations, their wants, their ideas, and responsibility. It is important to discuss these things BEFORE you embark on a physical relationship, because as we all know, this is the one area that can take you from First Base to a Home Run in a matter of minutes. It is important to discuss exclusivitiy, committment, trust, and yes, protection, when you are having a sexual relationship with someone. Talking about these things will actually remove alot of the questions in your mind, and make for a better and less stressful experience with your mate.
So make a date to sit down and talk...making your wants, needs, and expectations known is only going to give you more time to enjoy each other!
Body and soul
That you've got no doubt
inside and out
We are whole"
Body and Soul-Anita Baker
We sometimes focus so much on the physical side of relationships, we forget that there are major factors that come into the play that have nothing to do with sex. When you get caught up in the whirlwind of a sexual relationship, especially when you have been lonely or feeling down, it can elevate you to a level above reality. The key is to bring yourself down long enough to discuss with someone those key things that make a relationship sustainable outside of and including the physical.
Someone really smart once told me that there are four areas that he thinks are necessarily to discuss with someone...and he schooled me a little bit. So let me in turn school you.
1. Emotional-For most women, the emotional and the physical go hand in hand. This is not so often true for men. Men can compartmentalize sex in a way that women generally cannot. The way a man feels about you is one thing, his connection with your sexually is another. They do intersect, but they are not one in the same. For a man, the key emotional issues is that he feels appreciated and wanted. It seems to simple to be true, but it is true...ask any man. For women, we have a laundry list of emotional needs...but if we break those down, they generally consist of feeling desired, safe, protected, and loved unconditionally. Not at all very different from what men want. We all, in general, want to be loved by someone and know that they want us in their lives and are happy we are in their lives. We make this known through our actions, but learning what each other likes, wants, and needs, and attempting to fill the person's life with those things.
2. Mental-Communication is the one thing that ruins most relationships. It is the lack thereof that causes a breakdown of trust and openness. When you are in constant dialogue with someone, you are constantly opening yourself up by revealing parts of yourself to them. You are also providing and getting the feedback you need to start to trust the person. In addition to communication, another key component of a mental relationship is how well you match up intellectually. This has nothing to do with your job, your salary, or any matieral issue...but instead, how well you connect on issues that are important to you. That you both are on the same page concerning the business aspects of your relationship (finances, children, etc.). You both bring something to the table that is going to help make you a better unit. And knowledge that if one of you is weak, the other person is strong enough to take over temporarily.
3. Spiritual-Now this is not the same as religious. It does not mean that you both go to church every Sunday, unless that is something you have both discussed is important in your lives. What is does mean is that you both have some fundamental similarities in terms of your spiritual selves. You both believe in God, in a higher power, or in something other than yourselves. You have a similar set of beliefs about the world, your place in it, and how you are guided through the world. You have to be open to discuss your attitudes about what role religion, if any, plays in your lives and how you will express your spritiual beliefs.
4. Physical-Most people get down to the actual behavior before they ever discuss the place this will have in their relationship. Their expectations, their wants, their ideas, and responsibility. It is important to discuss these things BEFORE you embark on a physical relationship, because as we all know, this is the one area that can take you from First Base to a Home Run in a matter of minutes. It is important to discuss exclusivitiy, committment, trust, and yes, protection, when you are having a sexual relationship with someone. Talking about these things will actually remove alot of the questions in your mind, and make for a better and less stressful experience with your mate.
So make a date to sit down and talk...making your wants, needs, and expectations known is only going to give you more time to enjoy each other!
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